Monday, February 28, 2011

I want to ride my bicycle

Guess what?
I got a new bike!!!!!! And I got a cool trailer bike to ride the wee ones too. And, I built the two together myself. Can you say brilliant? Cause I just did. Brilliant.
Life is good.
You'll be happy to know that I am wearing appropriate attire during all bike riding moments. But now that it's a bicycle built for two I am getting noticed in a whole new sort of freakshow way.
First time out around the neighborhood I got 12 finger points, 2 cools, 4 shouts, 5 wild gestures, one lady running towards me shrieking and I stopped a car in traffic as they rolled down their window to give a head nod, thumbs up and quiet, "awesome."
How was your last bike ride?
You know me, I am just glad I can still find ways to entertain the neighborhood.
On a side note, helmets suck.
I will deny this fact if you tell my children and I will continue wearing my youth size turtle shell style graphiti boys helmet from ross to support the fact that they need to wear theirs.
But really? They make my head hot and sweaty, offer me only one hairstyle option, which trust me is not a good option, and take off like 5 style points from my usual -2 look.
Look forward to more biking posts soon because it's official, I am obsessed. And when I'm obsessed I won't shut up about it.
That's all folks, enjoy the rare pic of my super sweet ride. Now, stop drooling on your computer/phone. Caught you didn't I?
P.s. I hope I made at least one person (other than my husband) sing when they read this blog post title. Why? Cause that Queen song is awesome!

Friday, February 25, 2011

**WARNING** This is yucky.

Just read through my first month of blog posts and I am now even more in love with myself :P It got me in a sharing mood but the things I have to share at this moment in my life are gross.

Hence the warning.

Now with that out of the way, let the oversharing begin.

Don't post TMI in my comments, just stop reading now if you don't want to know!

Dramatic much? Why yes, yes I am.

I started a cleanse 3 days ago, a cheaters cleanse where all I have to do is take 4 pills a day. Wasn't expecting much just thought I'd try the easiest one possible to see what the hype was about and support my husband because he kind of needed to do one.


My friends response to me telling the facebook world I was cleansing was this, "All I can say is, never trust a fart." I was rolling on the floor laughing over this comment and today I am nodding my head and ackowledging her wiseness (I like this pretend word).

I have never spent this much time in a bathroom in my life!! This has been grossly entertaining. Moms will know what I'm talking about. You know how you sort of investigate your baby's diaper to see if what you fed them came back out? Or had to describe their stool to the pediatrician?  I am tempted to do this every time I use the bathroom. This is weird, I know, but it's what's happening right now.

As if this poo discussion isn't enough fun for you, I am also going to share about my shower experience 10 minutes ago. The drain seemed clogged so I unscrewed the top and stuck my fingers in to pull out whatever was there. I pulled and pulled and pulled. I pulled some more, kept pulling, began to feel like the magician with endless pocket kerchiefs but way grosser and finally reached the end of a hairball the size of my fist.

At this gagging point there was probably more, but I gave up and flushed the hairball.

Great, now I probably just clogged the toilet! Oops. Sorry honey (where is the cute shruggy half smile emoticon when I need it?!)

The sad thing is, it was all my hair. The sadder thing is, my husband cleans the drains frequently. I can only deduce from these facts that it is a miracle that I am not bald. How can one person lose that much hair in a short period of time and not have it show? Weird. Gross.

I warned you.

I promise to have a better topic tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Post-it Note Theory

This is another title that I stuck in my saved drafts. Time to flush it out and finish it!

In case you don't know, I have 5 members in my family, a dog, a cat, lots of fish and 3 roommates. We all live in a 2 story 4 bedroom house.

I know, I know, "Is that good or is that stressful?" That's peoples nice way of saying to me, "Are you nuts?!" Well instead of airing all my dirty laundry I will instead enlighten and embolden you all with my post it note theory.

There are 5 adults and 3 kids in my house, we all have different schedules and have different thoughts on hygiene and etiquette. This was causing me to lose all my hair and randomly kick things until I discovered the wonder and joy of post it notes. I strategically placed packs of them all over my house and conveniently added pens. Then one day I started airing my grievances on them.

"Wipe off the stove after each use."

"Pizza boxes do not get recycled."

"I ate your grapes."

"Will clean up the urine smell later."

"Eat these brownies and die!"

They have proven to be a great way to passive aggressively get my point across. Like this blog, I air my grievance, get it off my chest, and then I can let it go. It doesn't bother me anymore.

At least until the next time.

At first my roommates thought it was weird, but I think I am slowly winning them all over. It's even proven to be downright useful once or twice. My husband is sure they never apply to him and my children are not all of reading age yet so we do have some missed areas. If you come over feel free to peruse them throughout the house.

What would you post it to someone in your household? (I promise they don't read my blog and I won't tell them what you said)

Or, better yet, try out the post it note theory and see how it goes at your house.

p.s. I sort of got this idea from some people I house sat for in high school. They put post it notes all over with love notes to each other. I know, I know, I twisted it and made it ugly. But, it works for me!

Monday, February 21, 2011

My son the counterfeiter

I wrote this title and stuck it in my draft box a few weeks ago. So today as I lay in bed feeling guilty about my one lone post last week I thought I would drag it out and for once, finish a thought. Here goes nothing.

My oldest son is many many things. I am going to assume that you all know that I love him, that he's amazing, that he's eerily smart and intuitive, and that he's tall and oh so handsome. Also he's 6 and only the oldest by 54 minutes. With those facts out of the way let me share with you his other side.

His other side is something many people don't think exists. His teachers have stared at me in disbelief as I discuss my concerns about him. My family and my husbands family both shake their heads and say, "not our little boy!" You see he is a natural leader (at home), he is sneaky, he is cheeky and he is forceful. Honestly, it scares me a little bit, in a good way and in a bad way.

At the age of 8 months old he climbed on top of his twin brother in his crib and almost smothered him to death. At first we thought he was a baby and didn't know what he was doing, now we know better. Not even a month later he was a crawling fiend and, using that practice he had gained in the crib, got his brother to lay next to the front door, crawled up on top of him, opened the front door and crawled out into the condo complex parking lot, dragging his full dirty diaper behind him.

Looking back, this should have been a clue. But I had yet to experience that strong sense of foreboding.

At age 2 he took his diaper off and used it to paint the playroom walls, every toy within reach, and his brother. Once the gag reflex passed I thought it was sort of funny and decided it was time to potty train.

At age 3 he began the disappearing phase. At the beach park he would disappear. In the store he would disappear. In our own house he would, you guessed it, disappear. There was always some logical reasoning behind it, it made a sort of sick sense. This is when the foreboding kicked in.

By the time he started Kindergarten I knew our twins needed to be separated. The younger one is smart and got the older one to do everything for him, I felt this would wreak havoc in a classroom setting. I wrote a long letter to the older ones Kindergarten teacher explaining my concerns. He has asthma, he has allergies, he had been very sickly the past year and a half and oh yeah, his behavior could be a bit erratic.

I feared for nothing, he is generally an angel at school. He daydreams and lacks focus but he is usually willing to try and quietly follows directions. He has a lot of confidence and is sure he knows everything. Also, he doesn't need to show you he knows, he doesn't care what you think. I guess those angel wings get heavy at school because last year he would get home everyday and cry and yell and say that we all hated him and talk about running away and just generally act like his life was over. Do 5 yr olds get depression? Because I was worried. Yet this same son was also the one I could trust to use the bathroom alone, leave in charge of our little one for a few minutes, who followed directions and who was always ready to help me with any project. This tempered my concerns and in talking with his many doctors we decided that his many meds probably had something to do with the behavior. Also he discovered how to use nail polish to write his name on everything in our house and thus destroy any bit of value it may have had.

That all figured out we headed into his sixth year of life. In this year he has peed into his own mouth, gotten into a fight at school, created a mud wrestling pit under the front porch, written his name on more pieces of furniture, hidden food in his room, and yes dabbled in counterfeiting. We have this reward system called Mallars (Mallo + dollar=Mallar) that our boys can earn and lose based on their chores and behavior. They are yellow and they are printed from a secret file so that a certain someone could not make his own. He somehow found the original a few weeks ago and got a yellow  marker and colored them. He went to redeem some last week and as I was wondering how he earned so many my husband turned one over and saw the white back. It was hard to be mad about the cheating because there was some serious thought and effort that went into it. But like I said, he is sneaky.

This weekend the vog was off the charts awful and he woke up Saturday and Sunday with allergy bags under his eyes and you could tell he was in for rough days. He take rough days to another level and spent the entire day Saturday being disrespectful, crying, yelling and just acting like his world had ended. We made it through the day and as my husband and I were discussing what to do we started discussing what he might be like when he gets older.

He already has a lot of the traits that people dread in teenagers and I am not afraid to admit that he is way smarter than me. So I am filled with both dread and excitement. If he finds his niche, his thing, it could be amazing to watch him grow. If we continue this way he will always be a step ahead and I will be exhausted trying to figure him out.

Now the only way you can say these things if you sandwich them between compliments so I am going to end by telling you again that he is a genius, adorable, funny and extremely creative young man.

And that is my oldest son, I am sure this blog will have more stories about him over this year, a lot of the funny that happens in my life comes from him :)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

speed vs. embarrassment

These are the options I found myself weighing after another episode of "Adventures in Bicycling" yesterday.

Since so many of you enjoyed my last bout with public humiliation I guess my mind told me that I should again opt for speed and go bike riding with my dog in a floor length strapless dress. All was well, I was happily destressing and channelling serious style in my floral prints and sweatbands, until my dog had to go to the bathroom.

At that point I had to hurriedly unmount the bike to get her where she needed to go. Due to the hurrying factor I of course got stuck on my bike, again. Inevitably I was faced with the decision, lose the dog or lose the dress, something had to give. I managed to only briefly flash other joggers, drop the bike on my toe and cause my dog to slightly defecate on herself. I felt like it was a good compromise.

So, learning from this debacle I stayed where I was for a few minutes and taught myself how to get on and off a bicycle in a floor length dress. It turns out it is relatively easy to do, you just pretend you are mounting and dismounting a giant african elephant. With that mindset you'll never get stuck on a bicycle seat due to your choice of wardrobe. Bonus, you look amazing cool, like a lone rockette doing a bicycle show.

I got home and expressed my distress to my darling husband regarding riding bikes in dresses at which point he remarks in exasperation, "Why can't you just put on your exercise clothes?" I try to debate my need for speed and the fact that I need to be wearing suitable clothes immediately after. I point at case after case of me working out in a dress where it has not been a big deal. Pretty confident that I have won this debate I look over expectantly, thinking his look of complete defeat will make me feel better. I've definitely won this argument. Right? He takes it all in, shakes his head and says, "Just stop being lazy and change your clothes."

Case closed. I get it. I am blaming it on a mental block but this week I promise to overcome these mental hurdles and change into workout clothes every time I get my sweat on.

It might be the same ones every time, but it's baby steps people.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Boy is my face red!

Well technically my face is always red. I have this skin thing...

blah blah blah I look like I have a permanent sunburn.

I live in Hawaii so I think it kind of works for me.

But I digress. Today my face was constantly turning a special shade of crimson as I performed one embarrassing act after another for my adoring public.

It all started last night at 10 o'clock. I snuggled in bed (by snuggled I mean threw myself down because I was not in a good mood about weighing myself for the week and doing laundry at 10pm) and closed my eyes thinking of the day ahead. The day ahead was Wednesday, never a good day for me, and that meant today was Tuesday.

"WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TODAY IS TUESDAY!"

"Honey, is today Tuesday? Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!"

As you may have deduced, I discovered something in this moment. Today was Tuesday. This particular Tuesday I was supposed to work for an hour because there were time sensitive items that needed to be place in mailboxes so they would go out on time. I never went to work so they didn't get done.

On top of that monumental flop in my mental capacity I had a meeting at 5pm.

I didn't go.

I was supposed to pitch a proposal. I was supposed to voice my opinions on an upcoming project. I was supposed to diligently take notes to share with our school community as is written in my job description.

I did none of those things.

At 5pm I did homework with my sons and made dinner.

This sucked.

I had no good excuse. All the way to work the next morning (It takes 5 minutes so you can tell I was in agony) I debated making up a story or telling the sad truth. I walked on campus still unsure of what I would say and how I would begin the apologies only to be immediately approached by a teacher asking, "Where were you last night?" I shamefully bowed my head and went with honesty mumbling, "I forgot" and shuffling off as quick as I could. This continued throughout the day and I felt a cone of shame might have been more appropriate attire for me then my lovely floral motif.

But, I made it through.


Except the embarrassment didn't stop there. No, that would have made life to easy. Instead I continued to make many miniscule mistakes that added up to millions of moments ( also I heart alliteration:)) where my face turned crimson.

I forgot my keys everywhere I went. I went and copied the same thing, the wrong way, 3 times under watchful eyes that I could feel chiding me. I rushed to 30 something classrooms to quickly deliver the things I forgot the day before and at the end was huffing and puffing and almost blew a house down. Also my hair was flying everywhere and I would have been a shoo in at a Wolf casting call. I can make the 3 little pigs cry in moments like these, no problem.

As fun as it was for everyone to see me disheveled, ashamed and losing my marbles I made it through the day. I worked 5 extra hours, partially out of guilt and partially out of necessity and finally called it quits and headed home to my other job as housemaid and personal assistant to myself. I drove in and tried to empty out my car, completely jamming the car seat that I was trying to take out and pulling my dress off with it in the driveway. I like to spice it up people, what can I say? Pretty sure my neighbors love me.

Then I got brilliant. No really. I haven't exercised in 5 days due to a personal grudge and my husband keeps pushing me to get back into it. Sooooo, I decided I could take 20 minutes of my precious life and hop on my bike and take the dog for a run.

Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?

You can tell exactly how brilliant I am because I decided to do this task in a floor length strapless floral dress. It was a combo lazy/busy move. the bike ride went well, I looked full on crazy riding in my dress with a sweat band on my head, green sunglasses and a scrunchy in my hair.

Sometimes you just gotta give the people what they want right?

I arrived back in 20 minutes exactly and my sisters fiance had just pulled in the driveway. He stood in my garage and I can see I wowed him with my graceful looks and sweet ride. I went to smoothly hop off the bike and say hello and got my dress stuck on the bike.

I mean stuck stuck. Like wrapped around the seat 3 times, cutting off circulation, almost showing lady parts stuck. A good 5 minutes later I finally unhooked myself from the bike with what I hope was only minor flashing and much awkwardness between us. Then I invited him to Walmart.

So off we go. I tried to make a phone call while driving ( I used my handsfree thingamabob so stop looking at me like that!) which of course distracts me and I drive the wrong way. And boy was it the WRONG WAY! The smell of fermented trash and dying cow was overpowering in my poor air conditioning deprived van. We're lucky I didn't pass out. Me and my big red face apologize profusely for the assault on our noses and we make it to the store. Then he asks me about the jeweler that I go to. Except he has an Irish accent and I am a nincumpoop so I stare at him blankly and say,

"The boys martial arts?"


"Gerard Butler?" No.

I embarrass both of us as I shamefully take one vocabulary misstep after another. I figure it out and apologize....again.

Now I am home and back in bed and thinking, "tomorrow is Thursday....hmmm what is on Thursday?

"Oh crap does that mean today is Wednesday!?!?!"

Goodnight all, and to all a good night :)

Friday, February 4, 2011

The dilemma

We have a busy weekend planned!

I am excited for all the fun family time we are going to have.

Except it means that I am going to get nothing done all weekend. (I rarely consider having fun an accomplishment or add it to my to do list) (maybe I should start?)

Here in lies the dilemma.

Tonight we are making fishing poles and having a family game night, no going out because the boys are exhausted from a late night earlier this week.

Saturday we have Aikido, Chinese New Year Festival, grocery shopping and a UFC BBQ.

Sunday is fishing and beach morning and superbowl bbq afternoon.

That is a serious amount of fun packed into one weekend for our family. We are generally one thing a day sort of people and whatever happens, happens. You can see why I am excited right?

Yet instead of focusing on the fun and excitement I am sitting here dwelling on the desk that needs to be organized, the plants that need pruning, the garage that needs cleaning, the room that needs to be reorganized, the house that needs to be pressure washed and the bike rides and walks I am missing out on. :(

Sometimes I really wish I could turn my brain off and enjoy the moment. Sometimes I can but then afterwards reality hits double hard as I realize I had fun at the expense of other things.This makes me behave like a pirate as I stomp around aaarrrggghhh'ing my way through the day. I get seriously huffy sometimes.

So, unbeknownst to my husband, I am going to make a choice to try and focus on the fun stuff and squeeze a little productivity in too. When he gets home I will ambush him with my brilliant ideas and he will support me, because that's what he does. This will require more effort on his part but could preserve some of my sanity. He'll probably think it's worth it, or maybe not because he just rebuilt his computer and is probably dying to use it. Maybe I can plan computer time in too.

Then I can have every minute of the day planned and when it doesn't work out, I can freak, cancel everything and vow never to make plans again.

Or I could take a deep breath and relax.

You know, I have options.

Here's hoping for a weekend of fun, food, friends and productivity.

Stupid brain, stop telling me I'm doomed!