Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Boy is my face red!

Well technically my face is always red. I have this skin thing...

blah blah blah I look like I have a permanent sunburn.

I live in Hawaii so I think it kind of works for me.

But I digress. Today my face was constantly turning a special shade of crimson as I performed one embarrassing act after another for my adoring public.

It all started last night at 10 o'clock. I snuggled in bed (by snuggled I mean threw myself down because I was not in a good mood about weighing myself for the week and doing laundry at 10pm) and closed my eyes thinking of the day ahead. The day ahead was Wednesday, never a good day for me, and that meant today was Tuesday.

"WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TODAY IS TUESDAY!"

"Honey, is today Tuesday? Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!"

As you may have deduced, I discovered something in this moment. Today was Tuesday. This particular Tuesday I was supposed to work for an hour because there were time sensitive items that needed to be place in mailboxes so they would go out on time. I never went to work so they didn't get done.

On top of that monumental flop in my mental capacity I had a meeting at 5pm.

I didn't go.

I was supposed to pitch a proposal. I was supposed to voice my opinions on an upcoming project. I was supposed to diligently take notes to share with our school community as is written in my job description.

I did none of those things.

At 5pm I did homework with my sons and made dinner.

This sucked.

I had no good excuse. All the way to work the next morning (It takes 5 minutes so you can tell I was in agony) I debated making up a story or telling the sad truth. I walked on campus still unsure of what I would say and how I would begin the apologies only to be immediately approached by a teacher asking, "Where were you last night?" I shamefully bowed my head and went with honesty mumbling, "I forgot" and shuffling off as quick as I could. This continued throughout the day and I felt a cone of shame might have been more appropriate attire for me then my lovely floral motif.

But, I made it through.


Except the embarrassment didn't stop there. No, that would have made life to easy. Instead I continued to make many miniscule mistakes that added up to millions of moments ( also I heart alliteration:)) where my face turned crimson.

I forgot my keys everywhere I went. I went and copied the same thing, the wrong way, 3 times under watchful eyes that I could feel chiding me. I rushed to 30 something classrooms to quickly deliver the things I forgot the day before and at the end was huffing and puffing and almost blew a house down. Also my hair was flying everywhere and I would have been a shoo in at a Wolf casting call. I can make the 3 little pigs cry in moments like these, no problem.

As fun as it was for everyone to see me disheveled, ashamed and losing my marbles I made it through the day. I worked 5 extra hours, partially out of guilt and partially out of necessity and finally called it quits and headed home to my other job as housemaid and personal assistant to myself. I drove in and tried to empty out my car, completely jamming the car seat that I was trying to take out and pulling my dress off with it in the driveway. I like to spice it up people, what can I say? Pretty sure my neighbors love me.

Then I got brilliant. No really. I haven't exercised in 5 days due to a personal grudge and my husband keeps pushing me to get back into it. Sooooo, I decided I could take 20 minutes of my precious life and hop on my bike and take the dog for a run.

Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?

You can tell exactly how brilliant I am because I decided to do this task in a floor length strapless floral dress. It was a combo lazy/busy move. the bike ride went well, I looked full on crazy riding in my dress with a sweat band on my head, green sunglasses and a scrunchy in my hair.

Sometimes you just gotta give the people what they want right?

I arrived back in 20 minutes exactly and my sisters fiance had just pulled in the driveway. He stood in my garage and I can see I wowed him with my graceful looks and sweet ride. I went to smoothly hop off the bike and say hello and got my dress stuck on the bike.

I mean stuck stuck. Like wrapped around the seat 3 times, cutting off circulation, almost showing lady parts stuck. A good 5 minutes later I finally unhooked myself from the bike with what I hope was only minor flashing and much awkwardness between us. Then I invited him to Walmart.

So off we go. I tried to make a phone call while driving ( I used my handsfree thingamabob so stop looking at me like that!) which of course distracts me and I drive the wrong way. And boy was it the WRONG WAY! The smell of fermented trash and dying cow was overpowering in my poor air conditioning deprived van. We're lucky I didn't pass out. Me and my big red face apologize profusely for the assault on our noses and we make it to the store. Then he asks me about the jeweler that I go to. Except he has an Irish accent and I am a nincumpoop so I stare at him blankly and say,

"The boys martial arts?"


"Gerard Butler?" No.

I embarrass both of us as I shamefully take one vocabulary misstep after another. I figure it out and apologize....again.

Now I am home and back in bed and thinking, "tomorrow is Thursday....hmmm what is on Thursday?

"Oh crap does that mean today is Wednesday!?!?!"

Goodnight all, and to all a good night :)


  1. OH my goodness! You poor thing!!! I feel for you and I love your honesty! Not to mention your skill for writing very humorous blog postings! I laughed out loud a good 4 times reading this! I love the bike ride part where you described your outfit and said "you gotta give them what they want, right" I get that feeling from your neighborhood sometimes. You have a great sense of humor.
    Life is hard to juggle with the kids, job, family, and other appointments you set for yourself. Don't get too down on yourself- there's always tomorrow.. which yes- is THURSDAY! :)

  2. I am laughing so hard, which is good, I needed a good one--that's ok right?

  3. you really need to get a job at the local newspaper writing a colum. this is some fricken funny stuff mama! and they way you write it...genius! i am so sorry you had such a poopy day but, you are putting smiles on a lot of peoples faces! i know i needed a smile after the day i had too. so i thank you for doing that for me! :) you are an amazing mama and PCNC! and this story just proves it! keep up the good work! xoxo

  4. Glad I could make you smile. As my many moments passed yesterday I tried to remind myself that if it was happening to someone else I would laugh! You know walk a mile in another mans shoes.....

    Thanks for reading!!

  5. OMG, I laughed so hard BG, I am sorry the day went that bad for u but this is the kind of stuff you only read about and never think it actually happens to anyone, let alone someone you know

  6. Megan - the only thing that would have made it better is if I had taken pictures for you. It wasn't pretty :)

    Also, yea for you commenting!!!! Miss our daily talks, I will try to be better at that.