Morning Routines

Jump out of bed to turn off my cell phone alarm at 5am.

Crawl back into bed and go back to sleep.

Dream about listening to the radio and slowly realize its my 6am cell phone alarm.

Wake up.

Curse that I have to be awake and pretend that its okay to lay with my eyes closed (not to be confused with sleeping) for 10 more minutes.

Open my eyes to discover its been 20 minutes, jump out of bed and rush past an open window in inappropriate  pajamas (starting your day by flashing the neighbors is not as exciting as it seems).

Fling open my boys 3 bedroom doors. The youngest responds with "I was already awake" to which I always respond "start getting dressed please" while muttering under my breath, "if you're awake then why in the h*** don't you get your rear in gear and put some clothes on." The middle child sits straight up in bed and whines as he stretches and takes off his pink satin sleep mask and slides out of his black satin sheets. The kids has a thing for satin. The oldest wakes up screaming and fighting imaginary foes from under his covers and needs at least 10 feet clearance to avoid entering his warpath. You will get hurt.

Once they are up it's time to loudly announce to absolutely no one (because listening is "too hard" and "he is distracting me") that I accidentally got us up late and we need to move a little faster this morning. Somehow they haven't caught on to the fact that I say this every morning. Should I be concerned or count my blessings?

I spend exactly 5 minutes throwing on clothes, throwing off those clothes because they don't fit, making a huge mess as I search for something else that matches or is less than 50% wrinkled. Then its time to slap on deodorant, a scrunchy and a smile and go back to making the rounds of

 "Get dressed."

"Why have you been on the toilet for 20 minutes?"

"You cannot wear those shoes without socks, your feet smell like farts."

"DO NOT even think of leaving the house in that!"

"Do you have your homework?"

"Feed the dog."

"Did anybody feed the dog?"

"I still see your homework on the table!"

"If you don't feed the dog then I wont feed you!"

Seriously?! We're not wearing pants to school now?"

"You cannot go to school without shoes."

"Zip your backpack! Everything is going to fa.....SEE!! Everything just fell out!"

"Did you take your medicine?"

"Fine, don't take your medicine but don't talk to me when you can't breathe."

"Thank you for taking your medicine."

"DO NOT WAKE DADDY! SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!"

"STOP YELLING! WHY IS EVERYBODY YELLING! AND WHY ARE YOU STILL IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?!?"

"Wait, are those underwear from yesterday?"

Then we put the dog in the yard, the kids scramble in the car and we're off. We reach the corner, if our neighbor kids are still waiting for the bus then we all know we're on time. Depending on how much stress our morning has endured we spend our 9 minute commute going over our schedule and what we're excited about for the day or the boys sitting silently in fear while I rampage about they have made me late again and that someday I'll get fired for their actions.

We arrive and pour out of the car loudly. We rush in 6 different directions (which is awkward because there are only 4 of us) and our day begins. They go and feed on cafeteria delicacies and I slip into my fancy neon orange safety vest and clip on my 80's style walkie talkie and then the fun really begins.

I'm not proud, but yes these things do sometimes happen.

P.S. From start to finish this is 6am to 7am. Want to hear about other hours of my days? I'll make a deal with you, give me some comment love, as in more than 5 comments from different people, and I'll post another hour. If you don't comment I'll know I've been judged and should seek professional help.

P.P.S. As I re-read this post I see a few areas where I could make improvements :) Self reflection is a powerful tool. Get your laughs in now, because I'm going to turn my morning routine into a well oiled machine and you will all be pulling out your steno pads to take notes.

Or maybe I will seek professional help.