Thursday, January 5, 2012

Blogworthy Days

I have had a few real blogworthy days lately but I've been slowing down on my blogging habit so you, my followers, have been deprived of some seriously unfun moments that could possibly make you cherish even the most murky spot in your day today.

Well, that's just not right, so I will do my best to rectify the problem. Because I am doing this in retrospect it will lose some of it's crazed lunatic factor. It's amazing how hindsight calms my crazies like that.

But I digress. There are three days that I need to share with you.

Last Wednesday was a no good very bad day plus ten thousand. I'm moving to Australia. (I feel like I should probably read that book again, my references seem a little bit off)

The day started the night before. I put my three little angels to bed explaining that we were going to the beach first thing in the morning. With each one I sweetly explained that they should put on their swimsuit when they got up and pack a towel and their beach toys. Not too much to ask right? They are elementary schoolers after all and 5 is the new 7 and 7 is the new 10 so that adds up to a whole lot of mature. Maybe calling them angels and talking sweetly is where I went wrong. Who really knows? The only thing that is certain is that things went terribly wrong.

The morning arrived and my son didnt take the dog out when he woke up. That means that she hadn't gone to the bathroom for approx. 10 hrs and that she was locked in the house. Which in turn means that she peed on his bedroom floor. So I was awakened by my 5 yr old who wanted to discuss how to to clean up dog pee. Needless to say, I did not want to discuss dog pee. My normally adorable 5 yr old then stomped, whined and ignored his way through the next hour that it took him to clean up one small bit of dog pee. It was excruciating giving him this teaching moment and I got so wrapped up in making him do it and learn his lesson and pay attention and have a better attitude and and and and and... that I forgot about my 7yr old twins entirely.

By the time our little doggy potty teaching moment was over it was almost time to go. I hollered at all of my children to pack the beach toys in the car while I got dressed. I came out of my room ready to go and realized that one of my friends wasnt going because her daughter was sick. That meant her sons would have to stay home too. Except I had room and my boys really wanted to see her boys so I texted that i would take them and we arranged to meet. Then I looked up from my texting to see my 3 sons in church clothes eating breakfast.

No one was in swim clothes.

No one had towels.

Nothing was packed.

So I did what every normal parent does and went ballistic.

I screamed out orders like a wild banshee. Oldest was to fill water bottles. Middle child was to get swim clothes for his brothers and two friends. Youngest was to put the dog out and get the towels.

This turned into oldest spilling water everywhere and trying to flood my house, middle child balling his eyes out that he couldnt find swim clothes anywhere(because it is crazy to look in a dresser drawer full of swim clothes apparently) and youngest choosing beach blankets that can seat 4 people for each child (because that fits in my purse size beach tote right?) We got this sorted only to discover that my sons could not find shorts for their friends. I went stomping and flailing into their rooms only to discover that they were disgustingly dirty and quickly got distracted by the mess and went from ballistic to borderline insane. I dropped everything to tear apart their rooms and found the shorts and sent everyone to get the beach toys and get in the car. When they had all gone outside I stood in their room and stomped and screamed for a minute til I was calm. It's the first time I ever recall doing that and it was just like a scene from sitcom and it gave me a headache for the rest of the day.

But then I made the mistake of going outside. I should never have gone. I should have given up long before this point. But I went. Oh foolish me, I was still trying ot salvage the beach trip. The only clearer message God could have sent that I was not supposed to go would be if he tattooed it on my forehead (although I'm not sure I even had time for a mirror check so I might have missed it)

My sons were playing tag with boogie boards in the yard. No beach toys were ready, no kids were loaded in the car, they had dropped everything all over the yard.

And I had lost my keys.

I shoved kids and toys in the car and ran back into the house like a maniacal whirlwind. I was stomping and cursing and sweating and going slightly blurry eyed from the seething anger.

And I was already 15 minutes late.

I searched for 10 minutes or so before I calmed down enough to realize that we were not going to the beach that day. I called, texted and facebooked everyone I was supposed to meet that day or pick up and cancelled on them. Then I calmly went out to my car and explained to my frightened children that we would not be going to the beach or anywhere else ever again because they had lost my keys due to their messy rooms and bad behavior. Because its always good parenting to sink to their level and make them feel as bad as you do right?

Fast forward 45 minutes and I found my keys. I also reached a new level in my household dictatorship as I stood in the hallway and directed the clean up that would happen or so help me God....

Then my friend came over with her daughter because she was having a bad day too and our kids sat and watched movies and ate McDonalds for like 4 hrs while she tried to rest and I tried to accomplish something...anything...around my house so that the day would not be a complete wash.

Then I realized I was supposed to meet my sister to go shopping and have lunch and that I totally stood her up. My friend finally went home in the late afternoon and I tried to fix things by going shopping with my sister only to realize as I was driving that I had forgotten about picking up some furniture that we had ordered and that we had to go get a truck to pick it up and that there was no time for anything.

So I turned the car around, made my sister babysit and argued with my husband and mother in law about the best and worst ways to pick up furniture. We finally went and got the furniture and had to wait forever and practically break it to fit in my van because we were to lazy to get the truck and then I got a text about dinner plans for that night that I had also totally forgotten about. Luckily the text was to postpone for an hour so I played it cool and was like, sure, sounds good :) Then I rushed home ungrossified myself and my children, unloaded furniture and drove to my mother in laws house to unload more furniture.

That didnt go well because it was just her and I and the chair was big and circular and covered in the worlds most slippery plastic. And it swiveled. Everything was against us so I left it in her driveway for someone else to deal with. I was done.

Finally I went to dinner at a family restaurant where all the arcade game ticket machines were broken which led to stressed out kids and the pizza crust was a little overdone which led to whiny kids and where I exposed my son to some allergen that led to sick asthmatic kid. BUT... it was very nice to see my long lost friend who lives on another island. I miss her and her kids.

There was probably more too, but you get the gist right?

Wow, I guess I still had a little pent up anger from that day, even in retrospect. I think I'll have to leave the other two days for another blogpost because this one is officially too long and I'm pretty sure there's rules about these things.

Now, didnt my crazy moment make you feel better about yourself today? Pat yourself on the back for being way more sane than me and then share one of your stressed out moments to make me feel better about myself.

p.s. Lest you report me to child services I should note that i have a slight tendency to exaggerate and that I did apologize to my kids the next day and we all sat down and discussed ways to prevent mommy from exploding in the future.

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