Thursday, April 7, 2011

Something oogy is out to get me

I'm sure of it.

Well, almost positive.

I haven't been sleeping well and I'm feeling a little on edge from my nightly 4hrs.

But still, the evidence is damning.

As you, my loyal readers know, last week was the pinworm debacle. Just as I am getting those squirming devils out of my nightmares other bits of nastiness have been trying to sneak in.

It started with the mouse.

I have an aversion to mice, and by aversion I mean run screaming into the night blood curdling fear. For some reason I am convinced that if I see a mouse it will run on me and this thought terrifies me and turns me into a prancing ninny in their presence.

This past week we drove home late one night and as we pulled into our driveway my husband goes, "look a mouse on the bike." I looked and sure enough an abnormally large mouse was sitting on the handlebars of our old bike and it was staring at me, eyes beady from my headlights shining into them. Seeing this mouse, I locked my door and yelled, "eeewwww!" "gross!" "yuck!" "oh gross, gross, gross, gross!"

Then I saw the cat laying on the grass taking a nap. At this point I got angry. "Alleycat is sooooo fired! She only exists in our life to catch mice and she can't do this one thing. She lets it just sit there and mock me!" As I ranted my husband just sat in the car looking at me, a mixture of amusement and concern could be seen in his face.

Then I switched gears, I realized this was primo facebook and blogger material. So I started shoving my husbands arm, "Go outside and take a picture of it. Go! Do it." He asks me why and looks at me like I'm off my rocker. "Because, I want to write about it, no one will believe how gross this moment is." So, being the amazing man he is, he bites his tongue regarding my looney bin notions and dutifully uses his phone to take pictures of the creepy little being that was staring at me. Something must have been wrong with it because it didn't even move and he got really close. Then he took off his shoe and hit it. Hard. It fell to the ground and lay there dying while my cat walked around still seemingly uninterested in a prime cat dinner.

Stupid Cat.

I ran out of the car and into the house to go shower off the grossness of having to sit prisoner in my car staring at a mouse staring at me.

But oh, we are not done yet. Fast forward to yesterday.

My car is I am borrowing one from a family member. I think it may be infested with ticks, is that possible? As I was sitting in my office yesterday I felt something on my neck, thinking it was a mosquito I swatted at it and discovered a bug. I flung it across the office and then went to investigate that which I had just flung.

 It was a tick! Oh gross, gross, gross, gross, gross.
Cue chicken skin as I shiver and shudder.

I had no idea where it had come from but soon got busy and forgot about it. Afterschool I was driving to my sons preschool when I put my hand on my leg and felt a bump in my dress. Thinking it was a thread or something strange like a prickly that had attached to the fabric I waited til I was stopped at a red light and checked it out. This means I practically turned my dress inside out at a red light (which is totally inappropriate and not recommended) to discover that it was....another tick!

Oh yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck!

Then as we pulled in to the preschool my middle son said he felt something crawling on his neck and sure enough, I found another tick.
Cue dry heaving attempts at vomit.

I picked up my youngest at preschool and took my 3 boys to go see "HOP" at the movie theatre. I sat down in the theatre and was explaining to my sister about the grossness in my life of worms, ticks, and mice and how I was at the end of my rope and I couldn't sleep and the lack of sleep was making me jumpy and paranoid and...

then the person in the next row ssssshhhhh'd me :(

That's the first time I've ever been sssshhhh'd in my life. Mortification!

So I began to watch the movie and share popcorn with my youngest. What I had forgotten is how much he likes to put candy in his popcorn.

Also, that we had bought sour worm candies.

So I grab a handful of popcorn and feel something squishy. This makes me scream and throw the worm into the next row. Then I realize that it was candy and sink down low in my seat ashamed. I little while later I am back to eating popcorn, being careful to avoid the worms and I grab another big handful. I put it in my mouth and in the center of the bundle of popcorn is something squishy. I start spitting and spewing and throw my popcorn only to again realize that it was just candy.

I told you I haven't been sleeping well right?

At this point I am reciting to myself, "it's just candy, they're not real" as I continue to eat popcorn and then in my mouth is something rectangular and hard, I am sure it is not popcorn. It's to dark in the theatre to see and I am freaking out at the possibilities so I lay it on my soda lid to check at the end of the movie. As we are leaving the theatre I remember and I check on the rectangular unidentified object to realize it's a piece of arare.

But we didn't buy any arare.

Now I am back to dry heaving.

I know at this point you are all praying for me and concerned about my diminished mental capacity but I have one more moment of grossness to share that put things over the top and made me share these stories with you today.

Last night I decided to forego the painting and tiling that needed to be done in favor of trying to get some rest. It still took me forever but I did manage to finally feel like I could fall asleep. My pillows had somehow wandered all over the room and I decided I needed one more before I could sleep.

So, in a half asleep manner, I grabbed one on the floor next to my bed and shoved it under my face only to feel that it was very squishy, and not in a good way.

Not taking a second to think, I again flung the assaulting object with my backhand right at my poor sleeping husband. I woke him up by grabbing the pillows out from under him to investigate and discover that I snuggled my face into an extra large gecko. I shooed it off our bed and out of our pillows and then faced the oogies and skin crawling that makes it so hard to calm down and sleep.

So, now I sit here and I wonder, what oogy thing is going to get me next.

Hold me, I'm scared.

p.s. If you are wondering where the mouse picture is, it makes me shudder every time I see it and is being held ransom by my husband so that he can use it as a torture device whenever he deems it necessary. Or, it grossed me out and I forgot to tell him to upload it to facebook.

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