Saturday, September 10, 2011

Aha! Now I get it.

It's been a really, really long week. I've found myself dragging more and more everyday. I don't like it when weeks end up like this.

The thing is I've been struggling to figure out why. Why does the week seem so long? Why do I keep getting so irritated? By irritated I mean irate, irrational and just plain rude. I hope these are not words that usually describe me and I'm sad that they fit me perfectly this week :(

It's ridiculous really. I almost sent out a nasty memo to some teachers and just couldn't get past some little thing they had done. Thing is, it doesn't matter. Where was my grace and patience? Then, a fairly insignificant event occurred at open house that turned me into a seething stomping maniac. Add to that another small open house frustration and I allowed myself to ruin my day. I blew things way out of proportion. Finally there has been all of the little things, losing my sons homework, melting a cheesecake, losing my list like 5 times today, forgetting things etc... That just left me feeling like a puddle of failure.

But now is where the aha! Figures in. I figured it out this afternoon. A couple things happened this week,

1. I had to talk to my youngest about the fact that it's not appropriate to go around yelling that your grandpa is dead.

2. it was grandparents week and my twins had to do a grandparents project and we had to find grandparent pictures to share.

3. I saw the last picture my sons took with their grandpa on the last day they ever saw him.

These things happened and I just kept going on with my week and I never acknowledged or dealt with them until finally when I had a few moments today and it all just overwhelmed me. I am so mad that he wasnt here for grandparents lunch today. I hate that I can't tell him what my youngest wants for hisbirthday. I really miss him and most of all I miss watching the moments he had with my husband and my sons. I couldn't even bring myself to attend the grandparents events at school and totally let my kids down.

I cried so hard in the car tonight I almost got in an accident. I'm better now, and I'm not totally sure why it all hit so hard again this week, but it did. I realize this isn't a fun story but I'm sharing it because I bet things like this have happened to others and knowing you're not alone really helps sometimes.

On the positive side, all this angst means I got a ton accomplished this week. I'm helping with a baby shower tomorrow and everything is already done and ready. I'm a last minute scrambler so this is a minor miracle for me. It felt really good to get lost in a craft or a project. To have total control of what I was doing and to be able to focus exclusively and temporarily forget everything else in your world felt great.

I tell you I'm an emotiona roller coaster wreck! Or maybe it's all just excuses and the real problem is having aunt flo visit for the first time in 7 years or so. That takes you for quite a ride too, or so I'm told.

What about you? Do you bury stuff until it explodes out or have those moments where everything that was okay suddenly isn't?

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