Sunday, January 16, 2011

A Series of Unfortunate Events

It all started with getting up late and not finishing my morning chores. "Oh well" I tell myself as I head off to work, grabbing a piece of french bread I found on the counter as a quick breakfast to eat in the car.

Hi, ho, hi, ho it's off to work I went. Forgot to pack lunch so a handful of cheetos and a green apple had to be the substitute. At work there was a lot to be done. Went to check on a project that was being done to find it way behind schedule despite my best efforts all week to speed it up. 3 hrs later a project I shouldn't have had to do is complete. I go to volunteer in my sons class and discover that he was on morning broadcast, and I missed it :( Another huge bummer. Back to work where I did not complete a survey I promised to create and sent out the weekly email missing one big piece of information and redid the newsletter for like the tenth time and still managed to leave a typo in when I went and made 500 copies.

As my work day winds down my sons finish school and I take them with me to the post office. 500 letters needed to be posted by that day or else. Not thinking clearly I followed someone elses instructions which meant I had ot go to the post office that I can't stand, lesson learned for next time. The line is freakishly long and my twins are freakishly impatient so I decide we can put the letters in the mail slots for in town and out of town. The only place to setup for this endeavor is right in front of the P.O. boxes so I do. This prompts a line to form behind me as my sons and I impede their efforts of getting their own mail. We stuff the slots to overflowing and I have to stick my arm in up to my elbow to get the bit to stay in and not fall back onto the floor. Five harrowing minutes of mailbox adventures and the job is finally done. It felt like a hundred minutes.

Hi, ho, hi, ho it's off to home we went. At this point my husband calls to see how our days went. I am short and cross on the phone and very flustered so I say I'll call him back. We get home and I call him back having come to the realization that I was very tired, very hungry, and very hot which was combining to make me into an angry little ball of fury. I go inside and see all the things I need to do. I decide to start by picking up the kitchen which leads to me feeding my children large slices of chocolate cake so that it won't be in the fridge anymore and then regretting that I fed them that instead of offering a healthy choice, blah!

Then I begin work on refinishing our dining table which has been upside down in our upstairs for a week and is driving me a little bit crazier every time I look at it, which is often. I open up a new can of stain which is so full that I promptly spill it on myself and the counter. I cleaned up the mess and then very carefully go over to the table to begin work. My sons have finished their massive slices of cake and my oldest runs in to the kitchen shouting about ice water. Unbeknownst to me he climbs on the cupboard and gets a cup from the adult cupboard, a large heavy glass to be exact. He fills it up as I am unknowingly destressing and sweating while staining the table. He takes a flying leap and a twirl into the room shouting, "Who wants ice water?" which ends with the very full glass crashing to the floor and water and ice and glass spreading across the entire room. I look up at the sudden unexpected noises and lose focus on the very full stain container in my hand which leads to me tipping it a little too much so that a large amount of it hits the floor and table in a gigantic splatter pattern.

These events led to the classic conundrum, save the children or save the house? I screamed until every vein I had popped out for my younger twin to get me paper towels. He proceeds to climb on the counter and get me a half a sheet. I then turn purple as I loudly explain I need the entire roll and I need it now! It should be noted at this time that this moment is the only time I yelled all day, me being who I am, this is a monumental fact. I clean the stain off myself, corral  twins and the dog in the corner and clean up broken glass and water. Finally I get to the stain and pick up the heavy table one handed channeling my hulk like energy and mostly save my floor and table from utter ruination.

At this time I explain to the twins that maybe they should play outside. They go off happily while I decide I better lay down for a bit to avoid spontaneous combustion. Not 5 minutes later Twin A comes running in asking for stakes. After several minutes of baffling discussion I discover he is trying to make a fort. I suggest they move a lightweight outside table wherever they need to make a quick fort. He goes off happily on his way.

30 minutes later the next event has occurred. My neighbor comes home with a friend and her children who are laughing raucously at mine. I go out to see what's up and discover that they made a mud wrestling pit under the front porch. They then painted themselves, and their new clothes, with the mud. Then they painted the fence. Then they painted the front porch. Then they brought all the outside furniture to the front of the house and painted it as well. No wonder the neighbors were laughing. I hosed down children and fences and porches while the neighbors watched. I reached the point where it was time to yell or cry or something and announced to my neighbor, "I'm not going to get mad. You just take this moment and realize how great your children are.My bad example can make you feel really good about your kids." Then I went inside.

Then my best friend, who is very understanding, came very early with her daughter who I was supposed to watch. They navigated to soaking wet pathway and porch and carefully made it into the house. The daughter is only a year old and I pointed out that the entire upstairs is unsafe and we go to the movie room which I am thinking should be clean and safe. Or not.

Someone knocked my new clock off the wall which then hit the carefully organized legos spreading them everywhere they could possibly go. So the one year old and I play pick up. My friend goes off leaving me with her child (she really trusts me because  I know I looked like some sort of extra crazy at that point in my day) I get the boys in shower and sit down waiting for my husband and youngest son to get home. They are 45 minutes late because they got stuck on a road that was closed due to all the flooding.

He was cranky from getting stalled on his way home but he had no idea what he was walking into. At this point I was speaking only in whispers in my attempt to stay calm, it wasn't working. After a brief debate about dinner it became clear that I wasn't cooking it so pizza was ordered (I did not want pizza). My friends husband arrived to get his daughter and everyone played Lego Rockband and ate pizza. At 8 my boys went to bed and I immediately left the house (looking very cool with a headlamp to stay safe in the dark) to run off some of the building anger. A lot of toads scared the crap out of me and I think a neighbor may have reported me for lurking. I got home and played Lego Rock Band (yes we have the adult version but I didn't play that) til midnight. My bandmates mocked me loudly and I hate video games but it was a decent stress release.

I went to bed overwhelmed by my day and my poor decisions. And that is the series of unfortunate events that started my weekend.

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