It's the dichotomy of it all

 Not going to lie, I googled the definition of dichotomy before using it. It was one of those things where I was 90% sure I knew what I was saying. That percentage wasn't enough to give me the confidence to put it out there to the whole world. Turns out I knew what I was saying. Trust thyself!

This morning I was driving and feeling frustrated that people don't tell me things. I have a long history of being real late to the game when it comes to knowing what's going on with friends and family. That's torture for a know-it-all like me. I've been told, more than once, that it's scary to tell me things so people just don't. That is what I was angry about this morning. Why would it be scary if you're not doing anything wrong? Why wouldn't you be excited to tell me? How judgy do you think I am? Have you seen me behave in a way that you think I'll do to you? I worked myself into a frenzy over all the ridiculousness people must be dealing with in their own lives if they think I'm scary. I wanted to get in their faces and yell at them that I'm kind and understanding. I felt like someone needed to shake some sense into them. That's probably scary though right?

Then I stopped letting emotions be in control and started trying to think rationally about it. It might not have that much to do with me. I do need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve around me, I'm not the sun. But I do shine bright... :) Maybe my friends and family are thinking of how hard conversations go on tv. You need drama in those conversations. It's pretty anticlimactic to drop a juicy secret and get no reaction. I might love a stage and a microphone, but I don't actually go looking to create drama. I've heard that it's because we might not agree. And? Since when is there a rule that we need to agree on everything. There is a real beauty in agreeing to disagree. Listening to both sides of a situation is awesome. So, they're scared, for their own reasons, I guess. I just hate being the last to know. But I guess somebody has to be.

It's reaching a point where I can tell it's something that I have to get over. Like I'll have big news, and, as is likely to happen with an oversharer, I'll be racing to tell everyone I can. But I find myself pumping the brakes and deliberately not telling the people that I feel have withheld information from me in the past. Turns out I can hold a grudge. I'm as surprised as you are. I am also not impressed with myself. I've realized that I don't know how to share big things with these people without sharing that they hurt me when they didn't share big things with me. But I don't tell them that, because I don't really want a sorry or an excuse. I just wish it hadn't happened and hope it won't again.  Basically, if we talk about this, you can't win. It would appear that I just need something to be upset about. How disappointing. I thought I was better than this. 

I don't have a therapist but I play one, to myself, in my own life. :P

There's not a lot of dichotomy there. It's the next thought that I had on my morning drive that brought me to that word. There's a lot of friends and family that I would like to tell me less. I know! The irony is ridiculous. I did quickly realize where this feeling came from. I have quite a few people in my life that love to tell me things, when they need something from me. I'm a person of action and I can be counted on to help if at all possible. I think that's a good thing. But I was bummed to realize that some of the same people that don't tell me big things that are happening in life, do tell me all kinds of things if/when they need my help. There's at least one person in my phone contacts right now that I know, 100%, only calls me when they need something. Never to say hi, check in or just share something funny. That sucks. I guess I'm glad that I can be there for them but I wish there was more to our relationship. The dichotomy that I want people to share more, but also less, is funny to me.

My final thoughts as my drive was coming to an end was that I am definitely part of the problem. I'm not checking in with anyone to just say hi, share something funny or to check in. When it happens to me, I quickly reciprocate, I actually love checking in. But, the reality is that I don't instigate anything. Maybe that makes people think I don't care. I might be part of the problem. I admire the checker inners of the world. You have a cool set of skills!

I don't know that any of these thoughts will bring about any change in my life. But it feels good to put them all out of my head and let them land somewhere else. I probably need to check on people more. I also probably need to forgive old stuff and move on. I have more things that I think I'm still mad about. Maybe I need a real therapist. How do we learn to let go?

It's time to learn about barbershop

 Well, I did a thing.

I saw an advertisement for a barbershop group on social media. They were hosting a free concert and they were bringing in a famous (ish) group to come perform as well. I put it on my calendar and decided that I would try to go. I assumed my daughters would go with me so I didn't invite anyone or tell anyone about it.

I made a few other assumptions as well. When I saw the post I didn't look up the group that has doing it, I assumed it was a group that I had seen do an opener at a choir concert a few months before. Because why would there be more than one barbershop group in our community?

The day of the concert my daughters both made other plans and bailed on me. My husband decided that he would go with me if we went out to dinner first. Dinner and a show?! I was absolutely in. My sister said she might join us too. I told both of them that this was a really cool group that I had seen. I hyped it up. In all honesty, I saw the group perform one song in a high school cafeteria before I went to a kids choral show. I'm not sure my memory was great on their skill level...

We arrived early and realized that this event was going to be very sparsely attended and that the median age range for attendees was at least 10 years older than us. The group came out on stage and I realized it was a choir group that did barbershop and not the group that I thought it would be, and had told everyone that it would be. Whoops!

This group sounded amazing. They broke out into 4 man barbershop groups for some of the songs. I had no idea that I like barbershop until this moment! I felt like I was at a competition in the movie Pitch Perfect. I was confused and distracted by the theatrics that went with some of the songs, but the music was on point. 

Then they brought in a group from the Portland, OR area that competes in barbershop and things really escalated. This group had matching outfits, their theatrics all made sense and added to the "show", and they sounded really good.

I listened. I sang along. I beamed. It turns out I really like barbershop music. I added attending a competition to my bucket list before the show had even finished. Do you listen to barbershop? Who do you like? Need a buddy to go see a show with you? Because I am so in. But also, I have so many questions. I feel a deep dive into all things barbershop in my near future.

Back to the old drawing board!

 That's a funny phrase, back to the old drawing board. It means starting a project over, I think. I could google, but sometimes life is more magical when we leave room to wonder. Sometimes I love that we can be a know-it-all with just the touch of our fingertips. Today I choose wonder.

I thought of this phrase because my blog came up in a conversation today. The conversation was with AI. I'm not sure if that matters, but thought I'd add it because at least one of my kids would call me out for being dishonest if I didn't disclose. So, I spent an hour or so talking to AI about the fact that I wanted to get back into writing. I told AI about my blog. Then I went and found my blog and started reading it. I'm pretty sure you can follow how those steps got us here. I thought I'd give it another go. Because I don't have enough on my to do list.

I haven't written on this blog for 4 years. I got a job and left a job and restarted my business and started another business. And that's just some of the me stuff. Between our whole brood it's been a whirlwind of activities.

I won't recap, we'll just restart here. Here, is a snowstorm in April in Montana. I'm at my shop that has had no customers today and I'm having conversations with AI. I'm rethinking my priorities and trying to kick myself in the butt a little. I haven't had the best attitude lately. I can feel it affecting others and I really need to snap out of it. How do we get ourselves into these woe is me doldrums? I realized just how much I was in the trenches at my daughters therapy session this week. They ask us both to say something we're proud of ourselves for, proud of the other one for and something that we're looking forward to. I wasn't very proud of myself and it was hard to find an answer to give. I'm usually pretty darn full of myself and can generally find a way to pat myself on the back so this moment was very telling.

So I am now on a journey. A turn that frown upside down mentality shift. That means I am going to need to tackle some daunting tasks and that I am going to need to utilize creative outlets. So I'm saying it right here, right now. I am going to clean my room and I am going to write on this blog at least 2x per week. I sound like a middle schooler with these goals : ) I live with two of them so maybe I'm drawing inspiration? Just kidding, there is no way either of them would clean their room without being threatened. They should have learned by now, you can threaten yourself, you don't need anyone to do it for you. How have I not made that clear enough. Maybe it requires more mental fortitude then their prefrontal cortexes can handle at the moment. Maybe that's what I should be proud of myself for. I do not lack mental fortitude, I overflow with the effervescence of it. At least until I fail. I am also easily distracted. I'll report back on these monumental goals asap. I'm sure you'll be waiting with baited breath. Or is it bated? That's another funny phrase that I'm not going to google. I'll just move forward confidently and see if ends up embarrassing me someday down the road. Today is not that day so all is well.

April 16th rambling completed. You're welcome.