Monday, December 8, 2014
Unfiltered is a hard word.
I tried synonyms, but raw, original, uncut, unplugged and untouched were all just as difficult. Filtering seems a good and necessary skill for survival. Shockingly enough, everything I say isn't solid gold, some of it's a real stinker. So I filter to try and encourage as much gold as possible.
And yet, in recent months, filtering has crippled me to the point where I struggle to post on Facebook or write this blog at all. In my quest to not offend I'm finding that often times the only option I'm left with is silence. Sometimes it's valid, I need to vent to feel better, forgive and forget etc... The person involved may read it and those words are seered in their brain forever. Better to not say anything. Other times it's irrational but palpable. A friend is struggling and if I post something happy it's like I'm ignoring their struggle or rubbing their face in my happiness. Silly I know, but these are thoughts that I have. I can't share my true feelings about pictures of naked babies because they're the in and popular thing and it would make all my friends that love their naked baby pictures feel weird. With all this and more rattling around in my brain my online life is slowly becoming a lone cricket. You catch the occasional chirp but it's hard to figure out where I'm coming from.
I say all of this because I want you to know that I realize what's going on and I'm not happy about it. I'm stifled. So now that I've had time for some heavy self reflection and a healthy dose of screw you attitude, I'm making plans. My lone cricket voice will become like an entire field of crickets til my noise is so deafening you just can't read me anymore!
That may be a little extremist, crickets can be really annoying, but you get the idea.
Family members and friends have now mentioned to me that they read my blogs out loud to others and at least one of those family members and friends recently mentioned to me that they noticed I haven't been posting and they wish I would. Message/hint received! You can thank these 4 people for Time for B 2015 - B unplugged. Getting feedback makes my writing seem more real and important so that has been pretty cool. I feel a little pressure to make sure I'm providing my 4 loyal fans with morning coffee talk but I am nothing if not capable of rising to the challenge.
Here's hoping I can find a balance between telling you life like it is and not hurting peoples feelings. I do have the fact that I've become a reclusive hermit on my side. Less human interaction means less ways to hurt people's feelings. It also definitely brings out my unfiltered side. It also really narrows my field of vision and subjects that I feel prepared to talk about. You may just get a lot of stories about homeschooling, chaos, diapers and my hatred towards meal planning and cooking. Only time will tell.
Enjoy this unfiltered selfie, I think it might be the first selfie I've ever taken. It is also the last. And so my new mindset begins.