Internet Safety - Nosy Nellie #3

I started my day today with a teenager in tears (he has an overly healthy guilt complex).

That brought me to a google search for"Wasting School Time Watching Youtube." This rabbit hole is only one of many that I, and obviously lots of other googlers around the world, have to endure as a modern day parent in an internet world.

I mostly shoulder this burden alone, it's not something I talk about with other parents etc.. very often. I'm not sure why this is, but I wonder if it has anything to do with shame or embarrassment... Lots to ponder here I'm sure.

Never the less, I am now here to discuss it. My friend, who is coincidentally nicknamed Nellie in real life, messaged me over a week ago asking me to share with her, websites to be leery of, how to use parent settings, signs to watch out for etc.. Like the brilliant friend that I am, I never responded, although to be fair I warned her she might need to harass me to get the info and she's just not a harasser. So now, for the whole worldwide web to see, let me share with you some of our vast journey into children and the internet, and the unharmonious disaster it has been.

Our internet disasters began around 6th grade for our older boys. They got laptops when we switched to a blended learning school that taught several days of the coursework online. We were struggling with the vocabulary curriculum and a friend suggested adding pictures to the words to help with remembering. So, I taught my boys about google images and vocabulary suddenly became a very entertaining class. It went well for awhile. My husband is a software engineer and works with computers daily so we had installed parental filters and locked things down pretty decently on our end. But...there's always a loophole. As it turns out, our filters blocked google searches, but not google image searches. So, when our sons heard new words at school, they did what I had taught them to do and google image searched the word to figure it out. We caught a creton, that was formerly identified as one of our children, bringing their laptop into their room and, as the story eeked out of them, discovered that someone used the word porn and our special creton google image searched that and ended up in a seriously dark and disturbing rabbit hole. I do not recommend it. To satisfy your curiosity and further discourage you from doing this yourself, I'll share that our 11 year old was very confused as to the direction from which most sex occurs and if sex was also okay with animals and inanimate objects. My heart broke and my eyes burned as I had to see what he had seen just so that we could talk about it. There is not enough soap in the world to cleanse me from that google search.

In the years since then we have had numerous other missteps, or "learning opportunities", thanks to our three sons. Our girls will be nearing the age of no return in regards to the internet world very soon. With that, and my teenagers fresh morning tears, in mind, here's what I can offer to you all. Hopefully my disasters can help you feel less alone or serve as cautionary tales.

The main thing to know is that talking to your kids about internet safety is number one. It has to start with a conversation where you come to an agreement on what they can have access to. A lot of internet sites recommend having your kid sign a physical contract regarding internet use. I have not tried that one. My children lack integrity when it comes to things like this so I don't think it would help. Maybe your kids are better than mine.

Important points of discussion include, but are not limited to:

1. How can they access the internet?  
Everything is connected to the internet these days and kids know it even if you don't. You may begin to regret purchasing that "smart" fridge when it becomes the gateway to making your child dumber. The best choice that I've found, is to limit or ban personal electronic devices that have internet access. There's an instant accountability factor to watching youtube on the 55 inch tv or to google searches that happen on a shared computer that everyone can see because it's in a main room of your house. I have had zero success limiting access on personal devices, my kids have bypassed any and all types of blocking and monitoring on their phones and on school computers. Maybe I'm raising evil geniuses? With that in mind, personal devices are charged next to our front door and stay there unless they are "needed." When in use they have time limits and are subject to the open room policy, which means they are not allowed behind closed doors and should be used where other people are around. How can they access the internet? In open public spaces and with permission.

2. When can they access the internet?
There are some amazing tools out there that make it so you can turn your internet off and on like a switch. Using these can help you to not punish yourselves for wanting to watch Netflix til 2am while still effectively shutting down every other electronic device in your home during the nighttime hours. If you don't want to pay the cost of new hardware, or learn new technology stuff, there's always the good 'ol option of unplugging your modem or router and keeping it in your room at night. If they can't have internet, no one can!!! I am sure I am not the only one who took my child to the pediatrician, worried that they had mono because they were suddenly sooooo tired all the time, only to discover that they were getting up in the middle of the night to play minecraft for hours. No, just me? Set rules for when they can go online, listen to what they're saying about what they need and be sure you're on the same page. Be prepared to sleep with your modem under your pillow as a last resort. My children can use electronics when school and chores are done and they've had at least 30 minutes of physical exercise. This has been a great natural barrier for us that they can't really argue with. The ways they come up to "exercise" also provide me with regular entertainment. This rule allows me to not say "no" so much and instead check in with them to see if they're getting the things done that they need to.

3. What can they access on the internet?
This is the big one! Our rule of thumb is that they shouldn't be looking at anything on the internet that they can't tell their Grandma about. It can be any important person in your childs life (that doesn't watch porn, and isn't into the dark web preferably...) but it serves as a good checkpoint for when they're not sure whats okay and whats not. We have also used it as a punishment and made them call Grandma to tell her what they've been up to on the internet. It may be one of the best punishments we've ever dreamed up. Sorry Grandma, but also thank you for being the person you are in my child's life.

This is where parental controls can be key. However, any smart kid, and let's face it, you all think yours are geniuses, can get around these. I'm not saying don't use them, but I don't want you to trust them completely. Put it on your calendar to regularly check their browser history, texts, search history and to sit down and ask them what they are into online and how they are spending their time. Be prepared to be bamboozled, if you aren't, thank your lucky stars that God gave you that child, and be prepare for trials and tribulations elsewhere, no one is perfect. I'm not saying hover, but I am saying be aware.

As you think about what is okay, I strongly recommend that children not be allowed to play video games with open chat forums and anonymous online players. There are plenty of amazing, and popular, games that do not have these features, do not let your child convince you otherwise. When you read about creeps targeting children, these are the games they are using. Always look to see if the chat function can be turned off, but know that a smart kid knows how to turn it back on when you're not looking, and remember, your kid is a genius.

What games are okay? I have a husband who seems to play every game, or know someone who does, so I just ask him. If you don't have the same kind of access as me, utilize parental reviews online. They are out there for every game imaginable and can really help you decide. Our rule is 2 games for our kids phones. That's all they can have, and theoretically, all they should have time to play. If they want to download a new game they have to ask. On Android there are a lot of ways they can be sneaky (although most don't realize that google play keeps track of everything you download ever, unless you tell deliberately erase stuff) on Apple, if you have them listed as a child, there is a setting where you have to sign in to allow all downloads and can see all downloads. For the computer, no one downloads anything without asking. Our kids way around this, and a very popular workaround on school devices everywhere because it bypasses firewalls, are .io games. These are silly little mini games that you play in your browser window and that are not indexed into the world wide web as "games" so they can bypass firewalls and blocking software. If you block all .io addresses, Jackbox games won't work on your Playstation. I say this from experience. Somehow limiting them always punishes me. I hate .io games. They are useless time wasters that I can never seem to be rid of. There are a lot of great articles and websites to tell you what is scary and what is okay when it comes to online games.

What about social media? I personally feel very strongly that kids don't need it. More girls than boys seem to beg for it. I have heard many, many compelling arguments about why it's necessary in todays electronic world and I'm aware of the social suicide I am causing them to endure. I still say no. The internet is forever, and a single screenshot can render anything you delete into a useless feat. Kids do not have the maturity to handle the social media world and the world hasn't shown much maturity in handling it either. If you allow it, make it a condition that you are their friend and that you check in to see what they're up to occasionally. Be very sure to utilize privacy settings at their max. It's easier to lower them later than to live with what can happen when you start without them. Google is your friend here. Regularly search your childs name and see what comes up. Do this with your child if you need to help them see the permanence of their actions. Google your own name occasionally too, it's worthwhile. Be aware that anything with a chat function is essentially social media. We forget about sites like reddit, that can be good sources of information, but also have chat forums and lurkers and dark sides. This is where my child met and befriended a bunch of drug addicts and learned how to google prescription med uses, how to build your own bong and so many others things I never wanted to know and never wanted to discuss with him. On the plus side, it really upped his resourcefulness, everything he learned was really about using what you have on hand. If only we could use his skills for good instead of evil right?

It's important to discuss the internet as both a useful tool and a dangerous weapon. It definitely has two sides. Emphasize what you're comfortable having your kids do on the internet and listen to what they want to do on the internet. Regularly schedule to rediscuss. If you have open lines of communication then it doesn't have to be scary out there. I mean, I have 5 kids, so statistics say it will be scary with at least one of them even if I do my best, but maybe you'll do better. If you mess up, google is your friend. You will find other people going through the same thing and endless options and ideas for what to try next when you feel overwhelmed. There is no single answer that will work for everyone. Some kids navigate this new fangled technology world with ease and others find all the sharp jagged edges and make the journey hard. It's just how this stuff goes.

All that being said, we've mostly made it through the porn searches, internet creepers. online bullying, fake email creations, online purchases of illicit substances, unauthorized downloads, midnight game playing and inappropriate google search phases with our boys. I have stories about all of these moments that can make you either laugh or cry, and I'm glad they're mostly behind us. We have shown our children that we can see through incognito windows, pull up deleted browser histories, see online purchases and basically "internet" better than them so they have mostly given up or reverted to things they know will get them caught. Or maybe, they "internet" on a whole other level now and we just haven't caught them yet. If so, I can only pray they'll use their powers for good when they grow up.



But, our current nemesis is Youtube. It is the ultimate time waster that has just enough useful content that, as a household, we don't want it permablocked. When I google searched this morning I came up with an answer from Michael Brennan, Former IT Executive, Digital Marketing Strategist on Quora. He says he is a psychologist in his answer and details the definition of procrastination in a great way. His solution? Note how much time you're spending, keep a log, help make yourself aware. Self impose time limits (there are apps for this too, but again, your kids can get around them). Make a schedule of your time. Loosely schedule your "have to's" and your "want to's" on paper with a pen. He noted the importance of writing it out for how our brain processes the information. Finally he recommended a book called "12 rules for life: an antidote for chaos."

His solution really resonated with me and with my son when I showed it to him. My 15 year olds, and my 13 year old, are certainly at an age where they can take control of their schedules and not let these time wasters be the end of them. This problem is one that everyone faces and that will not go away until is acknowledged and held accountable. I am kind of excited that it's happening now when the consequences aren't as heavy and when we can be around to help them build an armory of tools to combat procrastination before they head into the adult world. I suppose I kind of feel that way about all of it, I'm glad it happened now and that we could work through it together. I still hope it doesn't happen to you, and wish you the best of luck on your journey through this internet ridden world with your child.

Please share what works for you or any questions that you might have. Even the nosy ones :)

Obligatory pics of my kids using technology. As you can see, it's been going on for awhile :)

Blended learning home day.

Is he doing school or watching Youtube? The smile is usually a dead giveaway!

I Need To Tell You Something

So...life is weird.

I have lived my entire life taking being healthy for granted.

I've only been seeing a doctor for the last 3 years, and that's been mostly for well visits and when they ask if I have concerns, I'm always baffled by the question and my answer is no. I'm just there because I think I'm supposed to go get checkups. It's part of adulting right?

But, last August my life got turned upside down and I've been reeling trying to find my new normal.

I haven't said anything to the world at large, and wasn't going to, until I made a new facebook friend recently. She's in my online support group and lives in Denver. She was diagnosed recently and found the support group and facebook friend requested people and I accepted. I normally wouldn't accept a facebook friend like that, I am very choosy because I share so much online, but I did. As her friend I could see that she was sharing her diagnosis with everyone she knew and sharing information to educate people on her disease. It was fascinating and she received very supportive responses. Why wasn't I doing that?

I realized that it was because I was still in a place where I was hoping it wasn't true. Because it's a diagnosis with no test to confirm and because it could also be several other, less forever type, things, I did not accept it. I still have secret hopes that everyone is wrong and it all turns out to be something insanely simple and fixable. (Guess they're not so secret hopes now) Even awful, but fixable would be preferable. I found myself praying that they'd find a tumor or growth or something on any of the hundred blood tests, ct scans, mri's etc... Now that is a weird headspace to find yourself in. It's not healthy. I think owning the diagnosis and moving forward is probably the healthier option. I'm glad I had someone to show me that.

In the process of all this I shut down. I kept bailing on plans. I only saw people on good days so no one knew I had bad days. I stopped exercising for fear it would trigger something. I tried soooo many different meds and diets and treatments to see if they would help and they all had weird side effects that weren't just for me to deal with, my whole family was stuck with the monster I had become. Unreliable, unpredictable, lazy, whiny. Let me tell you, I wasn't anyone's ray of sunshine.

Which brings me to now and to what I have to say. I have been diagnosed with Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia. Typing that felt like the announcement in AA that each person gives before they speak. Anyways, moving on. This is a chronic facial pain condition, and mine is primarily on my left side. All the tests have come back clear which means I don't have anything scarier than this, but also means that doctors don't know what is causing this. It's a disease usually reserved for older people and there is no cure. There are anti-seizure medication options that all come with significant side effects and that do not work long term. There are several brain surgery options as well, but they are usually reserved for visible nerve compressions, which I do not have. Sooo, lots of great options right? I have come to understand what it's like to want to do something and be physically incapable of it. I am thankful that my moments like that are fleeting. I feel so awful for those that are stuck in that condition permanently and I am in awe of what they accomplish with those kinds of limitations.

This last week I have finally had my first almost pain free days since this started in August 2018. They have been glorious. They have also made me see how much I've lost and given up in the last 6 months. It's left me contemplative, remorseful and reinvigorated to do better and be better. At least as long as the meds work. My current meds make me stupid, dizzy, short tempered and cause rapid weight gain, aren't those some fun side effects? I'm learning how to deal with them so I only feel ridiculous some of the time now. I don't actually know if they're working, if my amazing physical therapist has pushed a magic button, or if I am in remission, which is something this disease can swing you in and out of at will. But whatever is happening, I'll take it.

Not really looking for thoughts and prayers or even for support, just wanted to possibly provide my world with some understanding of whatever this monster is. I can't imagine how worried you've been about my recent scarf fetishes, my sudden need for glasses or the fact that you never see me and I often don't answer texts anymore. I have not been myself. The monster that I will henceforth refer to as Scarfy has been a real bitch to deal with. I apologize for the crassness, but it was the only word that felt right for the situation.

I feel remiss if I don't mention that my family has been pretty great through this. They now cook all the meals. They have figured out how to exist without me on the days where I can't speak or be around people. They proudly stand next to me as I swath myself in scarves and hide my face from the world with never a hint of embarassment. They bring me hot drinks and heating pads and give me space when I act scary. They have all educated themselves on the disease and know it's okay to let me know if I'm behaving weird or something looks off since I am not the best judge of anything anymore. The listen to audiobooks when I can't read aloud. We all work on figuring out solutions together.

As I'm rereading this I realize it sounds like I'm dying, and I'm not. I'm figuring out my new reality and even on bad days this crap is usually only a few hours of the day. I still manage to get out and have fun and function. I'm getting past the ptsd of constantly worrying that everything I do might be a trigger and getting too scared to do anything. I am going to be in charge of Scarfy and stop letting him be in charge of me. When in doubt, I bring an actual scarf everywhere I go, so I'm covered. You see what I did there? Ha. See, I'm still laughing too. Sometimes. And I have a really cute pill case now, so fun new acccessories are always a positive right?

That's it. That's all for now. I have overshared for today. It's a whiny post, I'm clearly still working on that part. I'll leave you with some informational links in case you want to know more about this ridiculous excuse for a disease and also a few ridiculous pics that I take to document when I can't make facial expressions or when even wind hurts me so I have to wear whatever mask I can devise. Question: Do you have to be Muslim to wear a hijab, because I really feel like that could be my perfect solution... I'll file that idea as research for later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F8yflGHTTk&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR10f_QznbG-DzQoyS4tCr951l--4lsUvknaP5Bfd-14p1paqvoOFBXZqpw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDaMsJz8Rp4

Nosy Nellie #2 - Food

It's time to talk about it. It surrounds us all the time. Some of us can't stop thinking about it. We love it, we hate it, we have to have it to survive.

Food.

I wrote that one of the things on my list of stuff that overwhelms me was cooking. My stepsister had a similar comment about making dinner that everyone will eat being an overwhelming thing. 

So, I thought about it. And it overwhelmed me. Surprise, surprise.

I have multiple issues with food. I am a picky eater, like a really picky eater. You probably don't want to invite me to dinner, and I completely understand. I don't want my kids to be picky and I could write a whole other blog post on how I'm trying to accomplish that, but I probably won't. I'd call it Inside the Picky Eaters Head.

I don't particularly enjoy cooking meals. It's a lot of prep, focus and clean up and I could be playing a game on my phone or reading a book instead. It's kind of thankless, and not like thankless but worth it, like cleaning your shower is. Like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich could have got the job done quicker and with less mess, sort of thankless. And finally, there's the whole meal planning, grocery shopping and healthy aspects. It's like, enough already, we get it. Food is exhausting.

To all of you foodies out there, I applaud you, and I'm officially jealous. Also, hats off to the cooking network (is that what it's called?) because that sometimes manages to inspire me. Other times it shames me. To people who love food and all that it involves, this post is not for you.

Let's break this down into the parts that overwhelm me and how I'm overcoming it.

Step One: Meal Planning



I have figured this one out! I am a genius!! Seriously, it's been like over a year now of being able to make meals that people eat. I'll hold for the applause.

The List

Here's part one of my secret: the list.
It has been an incredibly simple, yet effective, tool. I sat my family down, and we didn't get back up, until everyone had thought of at least two meals that they really liked. We talked about the suggestions, and any meals that were liked by more than half the family made it on the list. This served us well for over a year and then I introduced the Better and Homes and Garden cookbook as well. Any child looking to get creative or wanting to try something new has been welcome to find a recipe to follow in here.

We are a large family so we ended up with a lot of ideas, smaller families may need to think of more things that they each like to make this plan work. My husband, and sometimes me too, tries to eat keto, so most of our dinners have at least a version of them that can be keto. We used to just follow this and I would have a basic grocery list each week and just look at this list on the side of our fridge for inspiration as to what to cook.

As you can see, my adorable days of the week menu has been very useful as a list maker, not so much as a weekly planner. Plans for that are in the works. I suck at updating stuff on the regular though. I'm a one and done sort of planner it would seem.

Part two of my secret: the people.Nowadays, everyone has a day to cook in our house except for me. Because A. I don't want to and B. I have to help almost everyone else. It's been this way for months, and my husband only realized that I don't have a day assigned to cook this past week. It was a fun moment. I smiled. I don't actually hate cooking, but I don't love it, and my health has made me wildly unpredictable and unreliable, so my personal chef plan was born.

Every two weeks we sit down and I make everyone tell me two meals they'll be cooking. We look at the calendar to see if anyone is getting a free pass due to scheduled activities etc... and the kids eat leftovers, or make your own dinners, on my husband and my date night once a week. And so, a plan is made and people are fed.

Step Two: Grocery Shopping

Shout out to my best friend and her wife for finally getting me to try the whole online grocery ordering thing! As they think of things during the week, they put them in their Walmart Grocery App cart and then on the weekend they go and pick up the order without ever having to go in the store. It's a real time saver for them. Inspiring right? So organized and so simple.

But... I love the store. I love most any kind of shopping. I have been against trying the online ordering because then I wouldn't go in the store. I'm glad I caved. For me it's a huge money saver when I am not wandering through and finding other items that I'm sure I "need." That being said, I've only used the online pickup thingamajig once. But I did love it. I should do it more. Be like my best friend on this one. Trust me.

Meanwhile at our house, my family tells our Echo Dot to put items on the list as we run out of them. Ain't technology grand? My entire family cooks now, so I consult the meal plan that I make them sit down and creat and then I hunt through our kitchen to ascertain what items will be needed and also consult Alexa for the staples that we may need. Next, I should type the items into the grocery store app and schedule a pickup and go to Costco for the rest because I'm too cheap to pay them to deliver. Instead, I usually end up going to three stores, on different days, to get everything and end up buying a lot of extra things along the way. I'm obviously still a work in progress in this area. I need to get out more so that grocery shopping stops seeming so appealing. Food for thought.

Step Three: Cooking

This is my favorite, because I don't do it. Sort of. I have a 6 and a 7 year old as two of my personal chefs, so they rely heavily on me as their sous chef. It was a bit of a struggle at first, but my kids have all really leaned in to the cooking requirement, and even seem to take pride in what they come up with. Sometimes I take pictures of it because I'm so gall darned proud that I've found a way to not be the cook.

My husband does Sundays, it's our big family dinner night and he does his own shopping and planning. Baby has Mondays, New Girl has Tuesdays, Wednesday is date night, Moe has Thursdays, Curly has Fridays and Larry has Saturdays. Everyone has a night of the week when they don't have a lot else going on so that it doesn't feel overwhelming.
Obviously this system doesn't work if your kids are in a million activities or if you love to cook and this would kill your greatest joy, but everyone needs to find their own stride. Making my kids participate has made them aware of how to cook, how to plan, to think of others, and it ensures that everyone likes dinner at least once a week (although sometimes it's not the one they cooked!)

Step Four: Clean Up

Someone who didn't cook is required to clean up each night, I pass the task out at random and based off if heavy dishes were used that could be broken by small people. Curly has been assigned to dishes for the year so he does those once everything is cleaned up from dinner. This is done as a bare minimum sort of chore by my kids so my kitchen is usually still a mess after dinner. I don't usually wipe down counters and thoroughly clean til the next morning, or at least once every few days. In this area I could really step up my game. I'm just now realizing as I type this. Light bulb.

And...that's it. Everyone is involved and invested. This minimizes the complaining by 1000% and hopefully gives my kids some skills they could use as adults. And again, it means I don't have to cook, so everyone is happy in the end, right? It works for us. And now you know, you Nosy Nellie.