Well, they did it again. My charmingly adorable munchikins made mommy go ballistic.
Now I have to apologize. (Insert full on pouty face)
It's not really fair that I have to apologize, because it's ALL THEIR FAULT (insert foot stomp)
Tonight, out of the kindness of my heart, and the cheapness of my wallet, I offered to cut my boys hair. They deal was that they had to sweep up the hair into the dust pan when I was done. Easy peasy right?
Wrong.
First up was Larry.
His directions were, "Just cut it."
My questions were, "Do you want a style? Do you want it buzzed? Just one hair cut? What are you going for?"
He remained steadfast with, "just cut it, but not like, all the way."
I buzzed his head and told him to sweep up.
After convincing Moe to get a trim (but only if you use scissors mom!) I returned to the kitchen to find the hair in the trash and the first kid could be heard taking a shower. All seemed well.
Little did I know...
Moe wanted to keep his current hairstyle so it was to be "just a little off the edges." I did okay til I got to his cowlick. The back of his head now looks a like a miniature goat has been grazing in select patches. I figure it gives him character.
I tell Moe to sweep up.
He says he can't find the dust pan. I say Larry just used it so ask him. Moe finds Larry and comes back with the report that Larry cleaned up the hair on the floor with his hands. I yell at Moe to find a flippin dustpan now!
All still seemed moderately well...
I go find Curly and return to find the hair in the trash. Curly doesn't know how he wants his hair cut so I just go at it with the buzzer. It comes out lopsided so I comb it in that direction and pretend it was on purpose.
I then ask what he's been using to wash his hair because it does not feel very nice.
This is where things really begin to go downhill. He mumbles under his breath something about not being able to find soap.
Now I go ballistic as I begin to interrogate him on how long he's been going soap free and loudly exclaiming over the many places soap can be found in our house. I finalize my terrorist ways by going right in his face to explain that life as he knows it will end if he does not learn immediately that bathing requires soap and not just water.
I don't think this is what experts mean when they tell you to get down on their level.
I tell Curly to sweep up the hair and he says he can't find a dustpan. I explain that Moe just used it. Curly goes and finds Moe and then reports that Moe cleaned up the hair with his hands. I now go straight into Moes face and loudly explain that he will find a dustpan RIGHT NOW!
Did he learn nothing from Larry's mistake? Oh yeah, he learned that he could pick up hair with his hands :/
At this point I've completely lost it. A bizarre round robin style interrogation is set into motion that uncovers the fact that none of my 3 boys have been using soap for quite awhile and all of them think that water gets the job done just fine. We also uncover the ugly truth that when I say "sweep it into the dustpan" they hear "be as lazy as possible and try to avoid getting yelled at".
As I fume and spew my angry thoughts my 2 yr old flounces into the middle of the room and announces "Mommy, I love you the most." I quickly acknowledge her comment and return to my tirade. She quickly interrupts again, "and I love all my brothers because they're so special."
We should make her superhero name "The Diffuser."
It's hard to stay angry with this level of cuteness happening within inches of my anger cloud so I turn my focus to her. I kindly interrogate the 2 year old and have her briefly explain to her brothers
1. Where we keep the elusive soap
2. Where the soap goes on your body to make you clean
3. If you are allowed to bathe with water only.
Turns out she knows all of these answers and quickly schools my shamefaced sons. As the tirade nears an end, the floor gets swept (with the broom and dustpan which were put away where they belonged) and Curly yells from the bathroom, "I used shampoo and conditioner, are you proud of me?"
No Curly, no I'm not, because this is a basic expectation for your general hygiene that even the 2 year old can follow.
So yeah, I need to apologize, I really lost my cool there. But it wasn't all my fault.
