The truth is I don't do it all

A mom sat down next to me at our kids swim practice today with her arms overflowing with bags. I made a witty comment about her looking like she was going on vacation. She gave a heavy sigh, let her shoulders droop, and said, "I don't know how you do it!"

I almost laughed out loud right in her face! 

Once I had gathered my composure, I smiled really big and said, "I don't. I don't have a clean house, I don't finish my errands, I don't cook many meals and I go berserk regularly. I finish every day feeling 10 steps behind."

The look on her face was priceless. I don't know if it was my honesty or if she was incredulous, but whatever caused her expression compelled me to continue. I harangued her with tales of my past month of mishaps with sickness, missed practices, unfinished schoolwork and a floor that had only been cleaned by the dog licking it for the past two weeks. I then went in to detail about the last 3 days where I had essentially turned my house into a prison in order to make my kids get their schoolwork done. They did more work in those 3 days than in the past 3 weeks! I shared the tales of visiting family woes from the recent holiday and I finished by explaining that tonite I would be driving through Taco Bell and using coupons to purchase dinner. I overwhelmed her with details and ensured that she would never accept an invitation for her son to hang out at my house for fear of his safety and well being. 

I may have gone a bit overboard.

At this point I was receiving a blank stare. I nudged her on the shoulder with my shoulder and said, "The truth is I don't do it all. I bet my story makes you feel better though, right?" She visibly relaxed and started laughing and nodding her head. We then spent the next while discussing the probable "secret lives" of the people who appeared to have it all together. We're assuming there's a mix of hired help, medication and insanity.

So to those of you out there wondering how you'll get it all done or berating yourself for an unfinished to do list, I encourage you to stop. Take a moment and appreciate what you did accomplish today. If you're still feeling bad, give me a call, I'm sure I can spin you a worse tale and make you feel better about your day.

P.s. Please know that whenever I berate myself it is purely to make you all feel better about your lives and would not be happening unless I had come to terms with myself and was already able to laugh at the situation. I received several comments of concern regarding my last post and I am not looking for praise (not that it's not welcome...) or for help. I'm mostly hoping my sharing will help and/or entertain all of you.

In case you doubt me, here's a classic picture of a mess that can be found around my house. This is what I found under Tobens bed a few months ago when I helped him change his sheets. My response was to make him clean it out and then take away the bed :/ 

Unfiltered

Unfiltered is a hard word. 

I tried synonyms, but raw, original, uncut, unplugged and untouched were all just as difficult. Filtering seems a good and necessary skill for survival. Shockingly enough, everything I say isn't solid gold, some of it's a real stinker. So I filter to try and encourage as much gold as possible.

And yet, in recent months, filtering has crippled me to the point where I struggle to post on Facebook or write this blog at all. In my quest to not offend I'm finding that often times the only option I'm left with is silence. Sometimes it's valid, I need to vent to feel better, forgive and forget etc... The person involved may read it and those words are seered in their brain forever. Better to not say anything. Other times it's irrational but palpable. A friend is struggling and if I post something happy it's like I'm ignoring their struggle or rubbing their face in my happiness. Silly I know, but these are thoughts that I have. I can't share my true feelings about pictures of naked babies because they're the in and popular thing and it would make all my friends that love their naked baby pictures feel weird. With all this and more rattling around in my brain my online life is slowly becoming a lone cricket. You catch the occasional chirp but it's hard to figure out where I'm coming from.

I say all of this because I want you to know that I realize what's going on and I'm not happy about it. I'm stifled. So now that I've had time for some heavy self reflection and a healthy dose of screw you attitude, I'm  making plans. My lone cricket voice will become like an entire field of crickets til my noise is so deafening you just can't read me anymore! 

That may be a little extremist, crickets can be really annoying, but you get the idea.

Family members and friends have now mentioned to me that they read my blogs out loud to others and at least one of those family members and friends recently mentioned to me that they noticed I haven't been posting and they wish I would. Message/hint received! You can thank these 4 people for Time for B 2015 - B unplugged. Getting feedback makes my writing seem more real and important so that has been pretty cool. I feel a little pressure to make sure I'm providing my 4 loyal fans with morning coffee talk but I am nothing if not capable of rising to the challenge.

Here's hoping I can find a balance between telling you life like it is and not hurting peoples feelings. I do have the fact that I've become a reclusive hermit on my side. Less human interaction means less ways to hurt people's feelings. It also definitely brings out my unfiltered side. It also really narrows my field of vision and subjects that I feel prepared to talk about. You may just get a lot of stories about homeschooling, chaos, diapers and my hatred towards meal planning and cooking. Only time will tell. 

Enjoy this unfiltered selfie, I think it might be the first selfie I've ever taken. It is also the last. And so my new mindset begins.

So your kid wants to play with my kid

Sounds good.

My house?

Happy to host :)

Let's just run through a quick little checklist:

1. House rules

You have some of those right?
Well so do I, and teaching them all to your child when he comes over would be exhausting and incredibly unfun so... maybe you could talk to him?
It's pretty basic stuff really. Ask my kids if it's okay before you drag their entire train set out and play with it for 2 seconds, get bored, and move on to the next mess...I mean toy. Ask my kids if it's okay to play Frisbee in the house. You're obviously a creative kid, my kids like that, but they have to deal with me when you break the lamp during indoor frisbee. You get to go home. So, ask them before you do anything, they'll be happy to tell you if it's okay or not. You could also try playing what they want to play since it's pretty much guaranteed that they already ran it by me and got the thumbs up.

2. Manners

Please and thanks are truly music to my ears. Pretty much any adults ears really. Compliments are also welcome. Telling me my baby is funny looking or that my cat smells bad is not welcome.
Nothing makes me happier than being able to report to your mom that you were polite. Yes, I will be reporting to your mom.
Bonus points go to the kid that cleans up whatever he messes up and the one that offers to help me when I'm making him food. Kudos to you kid.

I realize I may be asking too much with this, so let's get down to brass tacks here.
Bare minimum in the manners department?

Must be able and willing to flush the toilet after use.

If only you knew how few kids can manage this feat.... Can I get an ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

3. Personal electronics

These things are personal for a reason. They are for you only. You said you wanted to play with my kid right? Then the cellphone stays in your bag and the ds, ipod, kindle, iPad etc... stays home. I don't have the time or patience to monitor your electronic use and the whole point of this playing thing was a real world face to face experience right? Well your personal electronic device means my kid is now hanging his face over your shoulder and shoulder to face time just isn't the quality friend time we were looking for.

4. Toys

Since we've broached the subject of bringing your own stuff over, could we add leave your toys at home to the list?

If you really can't get your kid to come to my house without promising them they can bring their own toys, then maybe they didn't really want to come to my house.

And that's okay with me.

What's not okay is your child's favorite toy being swallowed by the black hole that is the entire downstairs portion of my house. You feel bad, I feel bad, your kids cry.

Could we just skip this whole drama? Either my kids and their toys are good enough for your kid or they're not. If they're not, invite my kid to your house instead, I promise he won't bring his own toys and he'll love your kids toys.

So we're good? You'll drop him off at 4? And you'll bring me a latte when you pick him up?

You gave him an extra reminder to flush too?

I knew we were friends for a reason! :)

DISCLAIMER: To my actual friends and their kids: this is not about you. If it is about you, either we've already talked about it or I'm not telling.

DISCLAIMER 2: I used the pronoun He because I have 3 boys, girls are just as guilty of the list above.

DISCLAIMER 3: This list mostly pertains to elementary age kids because that's my kids age and that's where I was drawing memories from of my own play times growing up. I'll write a list for middle school and high school when we get there. If your kid is still not flushing at that point then we seriously have a problem.

DISCLAIMER 4: I'm not saying my kids are perfect and do all these things. They have to work on almost all of them. However they practically never get invited to other kids houses so they'll probably be awful when it does happen. Everyone comes to our house, that's why I had to use your kids as examples.

FINA DISCLAIMER: Yes, your kid can still come play even if they can't complete the checklist. But will you promise me that you're working on it?

I wear shorts now

I didn't really blog all summer. It was too magical to waste even one precious second to share on here, and I was lazy about pretty much everything all summer long.

Now, school has officially started for our household and life as I knew it has been forever altered. When I started working I posted on this blog that I was working on finding ways to make yoga pants presentable. Now that I'm not working, all my dresses and skirts feel ridiculous. It's pretty much shorts or yoga pants everyday, because I feel like I need to constantly be ready to run or dig in the dirt (neither of which has happened since the big life swap). But as the Boy Scouts say, I'm always prepared.

I'm sure you're all deeply fascinated in my wardrobe choices. However, when I read other peoples blogs it's because I'm nosy and I want to know how their lives work. Sometimes it's so I can get ideas, sometimes it's so I can laugh at their ridiculousness, some of it is pure nosy gossipiness, and some of it's to make myself feel better that I'm not alone. With that in mind I'll give you the nitty gritty of my last two weeks. Just picture me in shorts in every story. Got your image? Good, let's begin.

If you don't care about the nitty gritty, stop reading here because I'm done talking about my shorts.

Wait. 

Not quite done. Did you know they make plaid yoga pants? Yep. I bought a pair immediately upon discovering this. So, if it's not a shorts day, it's because it's plaid yoga pants day.

Now I'm done.

Back to our regularly scheduled nitty gritty. The online school we are attending is lacking in the communication department and for a plodding planner like myself it's left me in quite the tizzy. I thought we started school the 11th. Turns out we just had 6 hours of training, no wait they changed their minds again, and it was only 3 hours of training. The schedule was sent with only a few days notice. Thank goodness Grandma was able to take baby at the last second, terribly sorry I had to bail on watching my friends kids at the last second :( 

Super proud of myself for being so flexible, especially when I realized it was so I could learn important things like how to send and receive email (the schedule was sent via email, so I think the people that needed this training probably didn't make it.)

Training complete we were told to play around with the online system and that we'd receive our curriculum by the 15th and start school on the 18th. You should have heard me bragging about the awesomeness of life and how great school was during this week! I look back now at the fool that I was. I hadn't even received the curriculum, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Between my 3 boys we received a lot of curriculum! Over 120 pounds of curriculum actually. Much of it was received on the 18th, the day we started. Great timing for planning, or so I could have any possible clue of what I was doing. But, no worries, I'm super smart and so easy going I could handle anything!

 School took 8 hours the first 2 days. I ended the days feeling soooooo weird. My kids were happy, doing well and yet I wanted to cry and quit. By the end of day 2 I was questioning every decision I've made in my adult life because I was clearly an insane person to take on the task of teaching 3 kids and entertaining a fourth at home every single day for the whole school year. My dear husband says I'm dramatic and that 8 hours is not so bad. I'd like to see him try it. By the second hour of being pulled in every direction at once and never getting a bathroom break I predict he calls mercy.

I sat down that night and pondered what was so awful. Why was I so upset? I came to realize that it was a combo of lack of knowledge, lack of communication and a big heaping spoonful of unrealistic expectations. I researched, I prepped, I made lists and I went to bed feeling a moderate sense of calm. Panic attack avoided, at least for now. 

The next 2 days went better, I was able to focus more on the positives and able to let some stuff go. I am heading into the end of the first week with a glimmer of hope remaining. Or a sliver. Which is smaller? Whichever it is, that's the amount of hope I have. There is a lot of prep ahead of me so that I can feel more in control. I went to office max and all their adorably coordinated school supplies provided me the retail therapy needed to feel that I could someday be organized again. 

I also need to end this week with a nod, or perhaps standing ovation, to the teachers that have been in my children's lives to this point. I have a whole new level of respect and appreciation for what you did for my kids and for what you had to put up with. One of my sons is apparently the worlds biggest cry baby, I can't handle that with 3 kids in a classroom, how did you do it with 25? Another son is sooooooooooooo slow at every activity. Sometimes I need to shake him to see if he's still breathing. No one has time for that! Also, class prep takes forever and I am constantly wrong about how long things will take. I know most of you teachers have a few more years of experience :) but this has to be a constant battle. Finally, individualized learning. I'm a big advocate. I've asked you to provide it for my children at times. I don't know how it's possible in a large classroom, ever. I struggle with 3 and wish every minute that they could all be doing the same thing. So, to you wonderful teachers that have influenced my children, THANK YOU!

I'll share a little bit of how our days work (once I figure it out), and keep you updated on the online school saga that will be my life until May 2015. Any questions? What would you like to hear about from me this year? 

The whole Time for B aspect of my blog is definitely going to have to be a focus because as much as I adore my children I can already feel that I'm losing myself a bit. Gone are the gym days with my sweet friend and the midday naps before I picked my kids up from school. I think I need some 6am friends to exercise with and at least 2 long uninterrupted bubble baths a week. That seems like a good starting point.

Oh yeah, you can stop thinking about me wearing shorts now. I've switched to pajamas.

Thanks for reading :)

Clarity

I just texted my husband that I had completed a task and he texted me, "you love me, don't you?"  

Thus began a long text chat filled with witty banter and wonderfulness that I won't share because I don't like to say much about my husband and his wonderfulness without his permission and he's not here right now.

The chat was basically me saying that while it is true, I do love him, that wasn't why I had completed the task. I completed the task because it was on my to do list which I remembered to check and had time to complete. 

Remembering and available time are foreign concepts to me. Or at least they were. Almost 4 weeks in to my summer vacation and I beginning to regain a clarity that I didn't know I had lost. My world was muddled and I think I had gotten so used to it that I forgot there were other ways to be.

I sat in on interviews for people looking to replace me in my previous job last week and the interviewees that knew me all described me as "always running around" and "busy." I found myself biting my tongue because it would be inappropriate to argue and because the weren't wrong. But, I strive to work smarter not harder, and I hated to think that I looked like I was running around and too busy for others. I want to appear as stoic yet approachable and extremely capable. Somewhere along the way I had obviously gotten muddled.

Now for the clarity. The beautiful, clear skies, clean water, shimmering jewels sort of clarity that forces you to inhale deeply and exhale with an audible, aaaaaahhhhhhhh. In the last 4 weeks I've completed tasks, made time for myself, made time for my kids (and visiting niece), and sat down and had real conversations with my husband that didn't relate to our schedules on a daily basis. It's not that I was so crazy busy before, I've just noted a definitive shift in my focus.

As I go through these changes I feel that I am slowly regaining my sense of self. Turns out that I am pretty outstanding when I take a deep breath and a major chill pill. I'm reading again, completing things and noticing the beauty that life has to offer again.

Of course the chaotic whirlwind that is life will catch up with me. Summer doesn't last forever. My twins will return home from the vacation that changed them indelibly, school will start, projects will be undertaken and members of our family will be in need. Through it all I hope to be mindful of continually finding my clarity in the midst of the storm. Even if I get lost again, I will remain forever thankful for this time to truly get to know my daughter and to newly appreciate my husband and my sons.

Life is coming up roses and blue skies. (At least for today) :)

P.s. Life is still full of grey skies and a lot of days are still overwhelming. I just had to capture the feeling of today in print while I could. I'll still pput this blog post out into the world but it's one that's mostly for me. Something I want to remember. 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

We are shaking things up around our household lately. Literally, the baby just learned the word shake and rattles are now very popular.

We are getting more fit, keeping things in better order, celebrating everyone's successes more and being more intentional with our time. We are well on our way towards becoming that family that makes you sneer every time you hear about another one of their perfect moments that shouldn't be allowed to exist.

Or not. I'm much to honest for anyone to ever think I have an ounce of perfection in me. I am a beautiful mess of imperfections.

But... We are getting a lot happier and healthier.

As we reach towards these goals we are making some big changes. There's a good chance it will all blow up in our faces, but you never know until you try, so we're trying.

First and foremost, I am going to be staying home full time with our beautiful baby girl starting in June! Her nap times are lessening in direct correlation with her awesomeness increasing and it kills me a little inside to miss any moment of it. At ten months old she moves herself all over, smiles, waves, snuggles, sings, throws stuff and screams like a wild banshi. If she continues to flourish at this rate I expect her to  be taking over the world before she's five. I'd be a fool not to want to be a part of her creative process if I have the opportunity right? Thank you to my dear husband for giving me that opportunity.

Second, while Larry has made remarkable gains with the whole depression struggle, we've reached an impasse in several areas. As we've been more able to see some of the patterns he falls into we've seen that we can't help him much more in our current situation. So, we've found a charter school that he can attend from home. He's excited about it and we have high hopes that we can help him see the beginning of his downward spirals so that he doesn't completely shut down on us. The kid is just way too amazing to allow him to disappear like that. Another great part of me being at home is that, if we don't kill each other, my oldest son and I will have some amazing times together, and thanks to his new school schedule, lots of free time to ignore each other too (if needed.)

Third, I know what you're thinking. Don't you have four kids? What will the other two do while one is taking over the world and the other is overcoming childhood depression and become a genius? We had these same questions. So, we sat down with Curly and Moe and gave them a few options. Of course they chose to stay home with me and attend the charter school with their brother. Who wouldn't want to spend all day everyday with me? They are both a little apprehensive and a little excited. As we finish up the school year they are finding many things to look forward to like, no more school uniforms, their own laptops, p.e. everyday and the resurgence of scheduled nap times. They've got their priorities straight all right.

My mind has been reeling as we struggled with what decisions we'd make these past few months but now that the decisions are made I'm getting a little excited too. I may regret it as soon as it starts. I'm guaranteed to miss the job I love, the amazing teachers and the great school that my children have been a part of. But, this is happening, and you, my loyal readers, are unwillingly along for the ride. Be prepared for all that that entails, be prepared.

Challenge!

Im not sure people realize how often the Cosby show is in my head. As I typed that title I was replaying the tap dance episode in my head: http://youtu.be/NDkuucSWVWw you can check it out here. I replay it mentally every time I work on one of my ever growing number of challenges each day. Bill Cosby and I are basically BFF's.

I've gone challenge crazy and I am loving it. Here's how it all started.

One of sister-in-laws best friends posted a Facebook mile a day marathon challenge. It was free, I was fat, I gave it a chance. My SILBF called to check up on me, posted memes of perfect people looking sweaty telling me that I could do it and my best friends mother-in-law participated for a few days too so I was definitely feeling the love. I got my kids and dogs involved and was walking a couple miles around my neighborhood every night. I sweated, screamed at toads, dragged my kids along and put in some effort. Then the rain came, my baby caught her first illness and I gave up.

Still, It was inspirational. Here's how it continued.

I posted a random thing on Facebook about wanting to actually finish crap around my house. A friend suggested Fly Lady. Have you heard of this lady? I've had her recommended to me a lot (my housework, or lack thereof, is truly gross) and knew she had some philosophy about how cleaning your sink everyday somehow magically changed your life and cleaned your house. Coming off the success high of my mile a day challenge I was like, "Bring it!" I signed up for the gazillion emails a day program and threatened my family with their very lives if they dared to tarnish my newly cleaned and shining sink. There was some yelling, some scared looking kids, some apologizing and my sink stayed spic and span for a whole week! The countertop next to my sink did not stay so clean. I am now taking a brief hiatus from the fly lady emails and just reading through her online propaganda to find my own version of her program. It's a pretty cool theory about how a little bit everyday can bring about big change. She's also big on no guilt, no catching up, just start each day new and do what you can.

Now I was inspired and intrigued. Here was the final building block.

My oldest son has made some huge changes. His counselor is working with him on setting goals and having clear rewards and clear consequences. The results have been pretty amazing. This may seem sort of duh! to you but it was more of an aha! to me. This is when I decided to turn my life into a series of goals/challenges with clear consequences and rewards.

Now I was inspired, intrigued and energized. You're all caught up to the point I'm at today. Challenge crazed and loving it! I am continuing my own version of the fly lady challenge and I started an Operation Get Less Fat challenge on Facebook. I was hoping my sister and maybe one or two friends would help hold me accountable but it turns out I'm incredibly awesome and everyone wants to cyber hangout with me so now the challenge is 38 people strong. They are full of good ideas. Every time I like one I turn it into a challenge. Today I added a 10 push-ups a day challenge, a weirdest place you planked challenge, a drink 64oz of water a day challenge and an eat at least one fruit and vegetable everyday challenge. No one invited me to these challenges, it's just the person that I am now. Still working on a make my yard look less like a cesspool challenge and a keep my nails painted every day challenge but I'm sure I'll get there.

Some people might call this stuff normal everyday life, but for me life is a challenge. If you don't believe me now you will when you see my weirdest place I planked challenge picture. I am so going to win this!!

And now I challenge you to start a challenge today. It's fun!