Clarity

I just texted my husband that I had completed a task and he texted me, "you love me, don't you?"  

Thus began a long text chat filled with witty banter and wonderfulness that I won't share because I don't like to say much about my husband and his wonderfulness without his permission and he's not here right now.

The chat was basically me saying that while it is true, I do love him, that wasn't why I had completed the task. I completed the task because it was on my to do list which I remembered to check and had time to complete. 

Remembering and available time are foreign concepts to me. Or at least they were. Almost 4 weeks in to my summer vacation and I beginning to regain a clarity that I didn't know I had lost. My world was muddled and I think I had gotten so used to it that I forgot there were other ways to be.

I sat in on interviews for people looking to replace me in my previous job last week and the interviewees that knew me all described me as "always running around" and "busy." I found myself biting my tongue because it would be inappropriate to argue and because the weren't wrong. But, I strive to work smarter not harder, and I hated to think that I looked like I was running around and too busy for others. I want to appear as stoic yet approachable and extremely capable. Somewhere along the way I had obviously gotten muddled.

Now for the clarity. The beautiful, clear skies, clean water, shimmering jewels sort of clarity that forces you to inhale deeply and exhale with an audible, aaaaaahhhhhhhh. In the last 4 weeks I've completed tasks, made time for myself, made time for my kids (and visiting niece), and sat down and had real conversations with my husband that didn't relate to our schedules on a daily basis. It's not that I was so crazy busy before, I've just noted a definitive shift in my focus.

As I go through these changes I feel that I am slowly regaining my sense of self. Turns out that I am pretty outstanding when I take a deep breath and a major chill pill. I'm reading again, completing things and noticing the beauty that life has to offer again.

Of course the chaotic whirlwind that is life will catch up with me. Summer doesn't last forever. My twins will return home from the vacation that changed them indelibly, school will start, projects will be undertaken and members of our family will be in need. Through it all I hope to be mindful of continually finding my clarity in the midst of the storm. Even if I get lost again, I will remain forever thankful for this time to truly get to know my daughter and to newly appreciate my husband and my sons.

Life is coming up roses and blue skies. (At least for today) :)

P.s. Life is still full of grey skies and a lot of days are still overwhelming. I just had to capture the feeling of today in print while I could. I'll still pput this blog post out into the world but it's one that's mostly for me. Something I want to remember.