It's the dichotomy of it all

 Not going to lie, I googled the definition of dichotomy before using it. It was one of those things where I was 90% sure I knew what I was saying. That percentage wasn't enough to give me the confidence to put it out there to the whole world. Turns out I knew what I was saying. Trust thyself!

This morning I was driving and feeling frustrated that people don't tell me things. I have a long history of being real late to the game when it comes to knowing what's going on with friends and family. That's torture for a know-it-all like me. I've been told, more than once, that it's scary to tell me things so people just don't. That is what I was angry about this morning. Why would it be scary if you're not doing anything wrong? Why wouldn't you be excited to tell me? How judgy do you think I am? Have you seen me behave in a way that you think I'll do to you? I worked myself into a frenzy over all the ridiculousness people must be dealing with in their own lives if they think I'm scary. I wanted to get in their faces and yell at them that I'm kind and understanding. I felt like someone needed to shake some sense into them. That's probably scary though right?

Then I stopped letting emotions be in control and started trying to think rationally about it. It might not have that much to do with me. I do need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve around me, I'm not the sun. But I do shine bright... :) Maybe my friends and family are thinking of how hard conversations go on tv. You need drama in those conversations. It's pretty anticlimactic to drop a juicy secret and get no reaction. I might love a stage and a microphone, but I don't actually go looking to create drama. I've heard that it's because we might not agree. And? Since when is there a rule that we need to agree on everything. There is a real beauty in agreeing to disagree. Listening to both sides of a situation is awesome. So, they're scared, for their own reasons, I guess. I just hate being the last to know. But I guess somebody has to be.

It's reaching a point where I can tell it's something that I have to get over. Like I'll have big news, and, as is likely to happen with an oversharer, I'll be racing to tell everyone I can. But I find myself pumping the brakes and deliberately not telling the people that I feel have withheld information from me in the past. Turns out I can hold a grudge. I'm as surprised as you are. I am also not impressed with myself. I've realized that I don't know how to share big things with these people without sharing that they hurt me when they didn't share big things with me. But I don't tell them that, because I don't really want a sorry or an excuse. I just wish it hadn't happened and hope it won't again.  Basically, if we talk about this, you can't win. It would appear that I just need something to be upset about. How disappointing. I thought I was better than this. 

I don't have a therapist but I play one, to myself, in my own life. :P

There's not a lot of dichotomy there. It's the next thought that I had on my morning drive that brought me to that word. There's a lot of friends and family that I would like to tell me less. I know! The irony is ridiculous. I did quickly realize where this feeling came from. I have quite a few people in my life that love to tell me things, when they need something from me. I'm a person of action and I can be counted on to help if at all possible. I think that's a good thing. But I was bummed to realize that some of the same people that don't tell me big things that are happening in life, do tell me all kinds of things if/when they need my help. There's at least one person in my phone contacts right now that I know, 100%, only calls me when they need something. Never to say hi, check in or just share something funny. That sucks. I guess I'm glad that I can be there for them but I wish there was more to our relationship. The dichotomy that I want people to share more, but also less, is funny to me.

My final thoughts as my drive was coming to an end was that I am definitely part of the problem. I'm not checking in with anyone to just say hi, share something funny or to check in. When it happens to me, I quickly reciprocate, I actually love checking in. But, the reality is that I don't instigate anything. Maybe that makes people think I don't care. I might be part of the problem. I admire the checker inners of the world. You have a cool set of skills!

I don't know that any of these thoughts will bring about any change in my life. But it feels good to put them all out of my head and let them land somewhere else. I probably need to check on people more. I also probably need to forgive old stuff and move on. I have more things that I think I'm still mad about. Maybe I need a real therapist. How do we learn to let go?

It's time to learn about barbershop

 Well, I did a thing.

I saw an advertisement for a barbershop group on social media. They were hosting a free concert and they were bringing in a famous (ish) group to come perform as well. I put it on my calendar and decided that I would try to go. I assumed my daughters would go with me so I didn't invite anyone or tell anyone about it.

I made a few other assumptions as well. When I saw the post I didn't look up the group that has doing it, I assumed it was a group that I had seen do an opener at a choir concert a few months before. Because why would there be more than one barbershop group in our community?

The day of the concert my daughters both made other plans and bailed on me. My husband decided that he would go with me if we went out to dinner first. Dinner and a show?! I was absolutely in. My sister said she might join us too. I told both of them that this was a really cool group that I had seen. I hyped it up. In all honesty, I saw the group perform one song in a high school cafeteria before I went to a kids choral show. I'm not sure my memory was great on their skill level...

We arrived early and realized that this event was going to be very sparsely attended and that the median age range for attendees was at least 10 years older than us. The group came out on stage and I realized it was a choir group that did barbershop and not the group that I thought it would be, and had told everyone that it would be. Whoops!

This group sounded amazing. They broke out into 4 man barbershop groups for some of the songs. I had no idea that I like barbershop until this moment! I felt like I was at a competition in the movie Pitch Perfect. I was confused and distracted by the theatrics that went with some of the songs, but the music was on point. 

Then they brought in a group from the Portland, OR area that competes in barbershop and things really escalated. This group had matching outfits, their theatrics all made sense and added to the "show", and they sounded really good.

I listened. I sang along. I beamed. It turns out I really like barbershop music. I added attending a competition to my bucket list before the show had even finished. Do you listen to barbershop? Who do you like? Need a buddy to go see a show with you? Because I am so in. But also, I have so many questions. I feel a deep dive into all things barbershop in my near future.

Back to the old drawing board!

 That's a funny phrase, back to the old drawing board. It means starting a project over, I think. I could google, but sometimes life is more magical when we leave room to wonder. Sometimes I love that we can be a know-it-all with just the touch of our fingertips. Today I choose wonder.

I thought of this phrase because my blog came up in a conversation today. The conversation was with AI. I'm not sure if that matters, but thought I'd add it because at least one of my kids would call me out for being dishonest if I didn't disclose. So, I spent an hour or so talking to AI about the fact that I wanted to get back into writing. I told AI about my blog. Then I went and found my blog and started reading it. I'm pretty sure you can follow how those steps got us here. I thought I'd give it another go. Because I don't have enough on my to do list.

I haven't written on this blog for 4 years. I got a job and left a job and restarted my business and started another business. And that's just some of the me stuff. Between our whole brood it's been a whirlwind of activities.

I won't recap, we'll just restart here. Here, is a snowstorm in April in Montana. I'm at my shop that has had no customers today and I'm having conversations with AI. I'm rethinking my priorities and trying to kick myself in the butt a little. I haven't had the best attitude lately. I can feel it affecting others and I really need to snap out of it. How do we get ourselves into these woe is me doldrums? I realized just how much I was in the trenches at my daughters therapy session this week. They ask us both to say something we're proud of ourselves for, proud of the other one for and something that we're looking forward to. I wasn't very proud of myself and it was hard to find an answer to give. I'm usually pretty darn full of myself and can generally find a way to pat myself on the back so this moment was very telling.

So I am now on a journey. A turn that frown upside down mentality shift. That means I am going to need to tackle some daunting tasks and that I am going to need to utilize creative outlets. So I'm saying it right here, right now. I am going to clean my room and I am going to write on this blog at least 2x per week. I sound like a middle schooler with these goals : ) I live with two of them so maybe I'm drawing inspiration? Just kidding, there is no way either of them would clean their room without being threatened. They should have learned by now, you can threaten yourself, you don't need anyone to do it for you. How have I not made that clear enough. Maybe it requires more mental fortitude then their prefrontal cortexes can handle at the moment. Maybe that's what I should be proud of myself for. I do not lack mental fortitude, I overflow with the effervescence of it. At least until I fail. I am also easily distracted. I'll report back on these monumental goals asap. I'm sure you'll be waiting with baited breath. Or is it bated? That's another funny phrase that I'm not going to google. I'll just move forward confidently and see if ends up embarrassing me someday down the road. Today is not that day so all is well.

April 16th rambling completed. You're welcome.

I did a thing

I did a thing and now I am emboldened.

I really like that sentence. I really like the word emboldened.

Here's the thing. The high school my kids attend was short a writer for an event they hold every year called the 24 hour play project. They asked me (because of one of my fun fact Friday posts where I lament that I want to write but don't) and I said yes.

I almost quit 10 times in the 10 days leading up to the event. I didn't know what to expect and realized the day before that I might be incapable of writing dialogue! I'm pretty sure most plays have dialogue. Right? I'm a classic monologuer, it's always all about me, by me, for me. I don't think I know how to write for others.

I tried to prepare ahead of time, but it was an event that is not meant to be prepared for. You get an hour and a half to watch 35 kids audition. They can do scenes or any "talent" they'd like to share. Then it's time to lock the writers away and make them draft students in a quick series of rounds. Once you have your cast, then you get a random prompt that must inspire your writing. You're out of the school by 6pm and have til 6am to write a 10 minute play. No pressure.

I couldn't handle the enormity of all the options they had laid before me. I crave rules and structure. So I decided to make a rule that I could only choose kids that could sing, dance or play an instrument. Then the prompts I got were all nature themed. I had already decided I was writing a musical and nature was not inspiring me so I don't think I passed the prompt test... if anyone checked. I set my play in a high school and just parodied the kids current school, lazy has got nothing on me.

I don't think I've written under a deadline since college. Turns out it might be something that I should do more often. I was tired, so I was highly motivated to get this thing written so that I could go to bed. Think what you want, but I am 40 now and this is my truth. Sleep is very important.

I realized the students wouldn't have time to learn songs so I decided to parody popular songs. This is one of my secret super power abilities so it made writing go faster. Except I realized I had to list the name and artist for the kids to be able to find the song. I don't know those things. I had to use my other secret superpower, asking google questions that actually result in answers. That took longer than writing the songs did. I threw in the most minimal of dialogue scenes, added some staging notes and read it out loud while timing myself. It was already too long so I sent it without editing and went to bed.

In the morning I regretted everything. Why had I tried to use slang terms? What 40 year old googles 2022 teen lingo at 1am and then is proud of what they do with that information? My kids go to that school. We have the same last name. If this thing flops they have to deal with the fallout. This thought brought relief and then deep deep remorse. What had I done? Everyone in my house was asleep when I submitted it. Why didn't I wake someone up? Why did I think I could do this? How embarrassed would my kids be?

My adorable teens sent me texts throughout play practice that day. They had 10 hours to learn 4 short plays and then had to perform for a live audience that evening. My kiddos would send me texts saying that someone thought a line was funny or that someone wasn't mad that I had cast them. They really know how to buck a girl's spirits. One of them did light board and the other was cast as a shining star in one of the other short plays. They had yet to tell me they were changing their last names so all seemed ok.

Then the performance was upon us. I got there and loudly apologized to everyone in the audience around me for what they were about to see. I did not give it the effort it deserved. It was such a short time to create a masterpiece. The prompt was vague and hard to use. I had a lot of good excuses ready to go. Turns out I was beyond impressed with the other writers shows. They were very nature filled and interesting. The dialogue was on point. Mine went way better than I expected. I was really proud of the students I chose. At one point they harmonized! They finished my play with a sing along and got quite a bit of audience engagement.  I actually got to see what's in my head everyday acted out on a stage. That was way more exhilarating than I anticipated.

Now, I hope that I can do it again someday. I love the stage, I love microphones, but I also love writing. So, if it can't be all about me, it could be fun to write more stuff for others. It gave me the confidence boost I needed to finish some of my other writing too. It also made me real weird for like 2 days. I was clearly still all nerves so I was cracking jokes non-stop and couldn't shut up. I know that's my normal, but it was like a weird version of my normal. I've got to learn to chill out a little.

I'm left pondering musicals. When did that become my thing? I never even tried out for a musical in high school. I've never been in one. I'm not musical. Singing song parodies is not something I used to do. I can't pinpoint when it started. I think maybe when I had kids. It was just my babies and me a lot of the time and I needed to entertain myself and them. Then, at some point, I decided it was acceptable to do around adults. I'm not full blown crazy yet, I don't think I've ever done it in a workplace or around people who have just met me. But it seems like it might just be a matter of time. I'm quickly reaching a point of no shame in my silly song game. It's coming. I'm emboldened :)

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou!

The Hawaiian words for Happy New Year make my heart happy. I don't get to hear them around my mountain town much so I guess it's up to me to say them :) I do work with a lady from Hawaii, so you can bet I'll be busting it out when I see her this week!

Oh yeah, you caught that? I work with someone? That's right folks, I got me a bona fide, irl, job. It's at a quilt pattern warehouse and I'm the event manager. However, due to a series of unfortunate events, I am mostly processing orders while the company works out some staffing stuff. This whole working girl gig is definitely making my life more interesting.

Have no fear! I'm still doing my Amazon design gig, but I don't want to do it full-time. That job is me, by myself, sitting a lot. I can only handle so much of that, even if I do love being creative. I've also been helping with our house renovations... but we are coming dangerously close to being done with the inside so my schedule is freeing up a bit on that front. Finally, drum roll please, my teens drive now!! That fact opened up a whole lot of free time, and they don't even do anything. How do parents with busy kids manage?! (J/K. For the record, they do have lives, activities and jobs, they also just have a lot of free time)

I turn 40 this year...in just a few days!

This feels pretty big and I'm fairly excited about it. I am definitely the type of person who gets better with age, cheese and wine got nothing on me, so look out world!! I don't like to celebrate my birthday (because I'm a closeted neurotic control freak, who is not so closeted because I post things like this on the internet.) But I'm looking forward to lots of birthday wishes and lots of presents. I love both of those things. :) This year is weird. I don't really have a special meal or dessert I want, e en though it's a monumental birthday year. I think I've been too spoiled by my current community of people who like the same things that I do, it's ruining birthdays forever. Somehow I'm managing, but it's a struggle. Birthdays were always my day to do the things I didn't get to do and eat what I wanted to eat and no one could complain about it. Forced birthday fun. I guess I must have everyone trained, because I feel like that's just my normal life now. 

Finally, let's get to why I really felt like posting, New Years resolutions. I wish I was more resolute, I find myself firmly in the aspiring camp of thought. I aspire to be resolute in my vague ideas of things that would make my world better. I have had some really big thoughts and feelings about this all recently. 

I'd like to do more for others, and also to put myself first more.

I'd like to learn new crafts, and to finish any of the many crafts I've started.

I'd like to write more and share less.

I'd like to continue getting healthier and to perfect handheld pies.

I'd like to be more organized and less controlling.

I'd like to be more positive and also more honest.

I'd like to adventure more and have more time to do nothing.

Good thing I don't have lofty goals. I like to keep it very realistic and practical. 

Random musings for a new year:

I'm ridiculously excited about doing a thread journal where I stitch an icon every day for the entire year. History tells me this will probably not been seen through to completion, but for now I'm riding a creativity high that can't be contained.

I predict that my cardigan and scarf collections are going to see incredible growth this year. Its also a source of great personal glee for me.

My oldest children will become adults this year. I know this is monumental and I'm still wrapping my head around the enormity of it all. They are some of my favorite human beings of all time and I helped make them. That's pretty cool.

I'll leave you all with this. My sink is full of dirty dishes. My Christmas decorations are still up. There is definitely a load of laundry that needs to be folded and another getting musty in the washing machine. The dogs need groomed. I need to sit down and pay some bills. I'm going to go play sudoku on my iPad right now and drink a soda while I listen to my husband and sons play a board game that I do not enjoy. I love every bit of my life at this exact moment.

Ways To Help Quarantiners

 I've been through a lot of quarantines in the past year. With a family of 7, kids in public school and a large family/friend community it is inevitable. Some for me and some where we had to isolate family members in our household. I've personally been Covid positive twice. I've dealt with a moderate to severe case of covid in a loved one. Basically... I've had a lot of time to think about this. I should preface: I've also failed to provide the help I could when others were quarantining. 

I've decided it's time to talk about quarantining.

I feel like no one is talking about it. 

You don't see a lot of social media posts with "quarantined this week, hit me up with your Netflix suggestions" or "quarantined for 10 days, how many puzzles can I complete?" I certainly haven't seen any posts saying, "whole family is covid positive,  going to be a long 10 days." 

Why don't we tell people? Is my family really the only one that gets quarantined? My guess is that there's a variety of reasons. People are judgy. Some think it's your fault if you were exposed or they want to get into a heavy vaccine conversation. Some people are natural worriers and begin stressing about your health. It's not even just covid, it's hard to share when you're sick in general. Funny that we can share almost anything, from our gross hang nail, to the photo remains of our dinner, but not that we're under the weather.

Maybe you're all more private than me and you like that we don't share. Maybe my shariness makes you cringe. Oh well, it helps me process and I like to be transparent. Honesty is really important to me and not sharing feels like hiding, which doesn't feel honest. So... I'm going to try and share this stuff more. Hopefully it doesn't make me sound like a giant whinge all the time and comes across for what it is, me sharing my ups and my downs in life.

Alright, that's the end of the self help portion of this blog. Now, what I've really been thinking about, how can we help those who are quarantining?

 There's a few things to note before I make my list. First, the help offered changes greatly depending on if they're quarantining because they are sick or because they had a close contact. Take that into account. One has more mental effects while the other has both mental and physical effects. Second, opinions need to be withheld, at least until their quarantine is done. There's nothing you can do now except be supportive. Individuals quarantined have different needs than families that are quarantined, take that into account too.

All this being said, some people won't tell you they're quarantined, won't want to share, and do want to tough it out alone. Some really are fine and won't need anything. Know your audience I guess? There's no perfect formula for when to push and when to back off, so trust your gut.

So now, with further ado, ways to help.

1. OFFER TO BRING SUPPLIES

No one wants to be a burden, and that's definitely how you feel when you're stuck at home and can't fend for yourself by getting your own groceries etc... So yes offer. But...don't give the standard, let me know if I can bring anything, offer. I find that for myself, and those I've offered to help, we don't tend to utilize this help. Be kindly forceful. Things like, Im going to the store today, what can I grab and drop off at your door? Make it seem like you're going anyway so it's really not out of your way. Leave things so there's no possible way they can feel guilty about accepting your help.

Remember kids often need things from school, or parents need things from work, so that they don't get behind while they're quarantined. The school will often get things ready and tell the parent to pick them up, not realizing that the parent is likely also quarantined. It can feel like an awkward ask, so the offer to help is awesome and thoughtful.

Prescriptions can be tricky, but are also super important. I feel really weird asking people to get meds for me, but also it can be needed, and its great when people offer because it's awkward to ask.

2. OFFER MEALS

Again, I'm going to say, be kindly forceful. It's not, let us know when we can bring a meal. It's, would you rather have us bring dinner wed, thurs or fri? Any food allergies? Favorite family dinners? If you're not hungry we'll bring something you can freeze for later. We all want to think that we've got this quarantine stuff handled, but this sort of thing can go such a long way to make you feel loved and cared for while isolated.

3. OFFER ACTIVITIES

This one varies a lot based on if they're sick or not. 

Either way, ask what they're doing to fill their days. 

Covid sick often means you only feel ok as long as you're laying down and not moving. Covid brain is a real issue so focusing can be hard. Things to listen to or watch are often the only way to fill your time. So check in. If they're netflixing their days away offer show suggestions or chat with them about what they watched. Offer to drop an audiobook by or get them one online and email them the download.

If their able to be functioning humans, they may be getting really bored. You can play online video games together, drop a book off for them to read, buy them a puzzle, get them crafting supplies. You want to help, so hopefully that means you know them at least a little. Think of what they're into and try to make it possible.

4. COMMUNICATE

This one is perhaps the most important and hardest to do. The daily text check ins are nice, but can be overwhelming. It's hard to share bad news via text too, so at least one phone call, or socially distanced face to face can be more important than you realize. It's also hard if people are only contacting you about covid. It's nice to still hear about your day or to have someone ask if there were any funny moments today or what was stressful. Anxiety and depression can run at all time highs when people are isolated and can be hard to share. If you know that someone struggles with these, be pushy with your check ins and make sure they have someone to talk to, a safe place to vent. It's also important for you to keep your anxiety and fears out of the conversations. I certainly get how scary it can be wondering if someone is going to be ok, but if you can't be calm and collected on your communications the quarantined people will feel like they can't talk to you. They already feel so much guilt and stress that they can't handle yours as well. It's hard, but if you can cry after you hang up or find someone else to share your fears and worries with, it will really help those quarantined people that are living in a state of anxiety and worry.

5. BE THERE

 This one is tricky, because you often just can't. But, things can feel so unreal when you're quarantined. If someone is willing to come and talk through the screen door, fence, or across the yard, it can be great to help alleviate those feelings of isolation that come with, well...isolation. If you've recovered from Covid recently and are safe to be around people with active cases, even better. You can offer a hug, a walk, play a video game etc... and actually be with the quarantiner for a bit.

6. CELEBRATE

When is they're quarantine done? Don't just brush past it. Make them feel loved and missed. Let them know how great it is to have them back in the real world. A celebratory text, flowers, a balloon, a card, a for real, in person hug. These can all really help someone shed the negativity that comes with isolation and allow them to re-enter the real world as healthy as possible, mentally and physically. It's great to know that people care. It just is. We all want to be missed, at least a little.

My daughter says we should write a blog for how covid positives can help their community, so maybe that will be up next :) My family is currently on the middle of a quarantine where all 7 of us have tested positive, all with different symptoms, at different times. So obviously I've got some extra time to think about this all and respond to comments. Have covid or quarantine questions? Ask away! 

Internet Safety - Nosy Nellie #3

I started my day today with a teenager in tears (he has an overly healthy guilt complex).

That brought me to a google search for"Wasting School Time Watching Youtube." This rabbit hole is only one of many that I, and obviously lots of other googlers around the world, have to endure as a modern day parent in an internet world.

I mostly shoulder this burden alone, it's not something I talk about with other parents etc.. very often. I'm not sure why this is, but I wonder if it has anything to do with shame or embarrassment... Lots to ponder here I'm sure.

Never the less, I am now here to discuss it. My friend, who is coincidentally nicknamed Nellie in real life, messaged me over a week ago asking me to share with her, websites to be leery of, how to use parent settings, signs to watch out for etc.. Like the brilliant friend that I am, I never responded, although to be fair I warned her she might need to harass me to get the info and she's just not a harasser. So now, for the whole worldwide web to see, let me share with you some of our vast journey into children and the internet, and the unharmonious disaster it has been.

Our internet disasters began around 6th grade for our older boys. They got laptops when we switched to a blended learning school that taught several days of the coursework online. We were struggling with the vocabulary curriculum and a friend suggested adding pictures to the words to help with remembering. So, I taught my boys about google images and vocabulary suddenly became a very entertaining class. It went well for awhile. My husband is a software engineer and works with computers daily so we had installed parental filters and locked things down pretty decently on our end. But...there's always a loophole. As it turns out, our filters blocked google searches, but not google image searches. So, when our sons heard new words at school, they did what I had taught them to do and google image searched the word to figure it out. We caught a creton, that was formerly identified as one of our children, bringing their laptop into their room and, as the story eeked out of them, discovered that someone used the word porn and our special creton google image searched that and ended up in a seriously dark and disturbing rabbit hole. I do not recommend it. To satisfy your curiosity and further discourage you from doing this yourself, I'll share that our 11 year old was very confused as to the direction from which most sex occurs and if sex was also okay with animals and inanimate objects. My heart broke and my eyes burned as I had to see what he had seen just so that we could talk about it. There is not enough soap in the world to cleanse me from that google search.

In the years since then we have had numerous other missteps, or "learning opportunities", thanks to our three sons. Our girls will be nearing the age of no return in regards to the internet world very soon. With that, and my teenagers fresh morning tears, in mind, here's what I can offer to you all. Hopefully my disasters can help you feel less alone or serve as cautionary tales.

The main thing to know is that talking to your kids about internet safety is number one. It has to start with a conversation where you come to an agreement on what they can have access to. A lot of internet sites recommend having your kid sign a physical contract regarding internet use. I have not tried that one. My children lack integrity when it comes to things like this so I don't think it would help. Maybe your kids are better than mine.

Important points of discussion include, but are not limited to:

1. How can they access the internet?  
Everything is connected to the internet these days and kids know it even if you don't. You may begin to regret purchasing that "smart" fridge when it becomes the gateway to making your child dumber. The best choice that I've found, is to limit or ban personal electronic devices that have internet access. There's an instant accountability factor to watching youtube on the 55 inch tv or to google searches that happen on a shared computer that everyone can see because it's in a main room of your house. I have had zero success limiting access on personal devices, my kids have bypassed any and all types of blocking and monitoring on their phones and on school computers. Maybe I'm raising evil geniuses? With that in mind, personal devices are charged next to our front door and stay there unless they are "needed." When in use they have time limits and are subject to the open room policy, which means they are not allowed behind closed doors and should be used where other people are around. How can they access the internet? In open public spaces and with permission.

2. When can they access the internet?
There are some amazing tools out there that make it so you can turn your internet off and on like a switch. Using these can help you to not punish yourselves for wanting to watch Netflix til 2am while still effectively shutting down every other electronic device in your home during the nighttime hours. If you don't want to pay the cost of new hardware, or learn new technology stuff, there's always the good 'ol option of unplugging your modem or router and keeping it in your room at night. If they can't have internet, no one can!!! I am sure I am not the only one who took my child to the pediatrician, worried that they had mono because they were suddenly sooooo tired all the time, only to discover that they were getting up in the middle of the night to play minecraft for hours. No, just me? Set rules for when they can go online, listen to what they're saying about what they need and be sure you're on the same page. Be prepared to sleep with your modem under your pillow as a last resort. My children can use electronics when school and chores are done and they've had at least 30 minutes of physical exercise. This has been a great natural barrier for us that they can't really argue with. The ways they come up to "exercise" also provide me with regular entertainment. This rule allows me to not say "no" so much and instead check in with them to see if they're getting the things done that they need to.

3. What can they access on the internet?
This is the big one! Our rule of thumb is that they shouldn't be looking at anything on the internet that they can't tell their Grandma about. It can be any important person in your childs life (that doesn't watch porn, and isn't into the dark web preferably...) but it serves as a good checkpoint for when they're not sure whats okay and whats not. We have also used it as a punishment and made them call Grandma to tell her what they've been up to on the internet. It may be one of the best punishments we've ever dreamed up. Sorry Grandma, but also thank you for being the person you are in my child's life.

This is where parental controls can be key. However, any smart kid, and let's face it, you all think yours are geniuses, can get around these. I'm not saying don't use them, but I don't want you to trust them completely. Put it on your calendar to regularly check their browser history, texts, search history and to sit down and ask them what they are into online and how they are spending their time. Be prepared to be bamboozled, if you aren't, thank your lucky stars that God gave you that child, and be prepare for trials and tribulations elsewhere, no one is perfect. I'm not saying hover, but I am saying be aware.

As you think about what is okay, I strongly recommend that children not be allowed to play video games with open chat forums and anonymous online players. There are plenty of amazing, and popular, games that do not have these features, do not let your child convince you otherwise. When you read about creeps targeting children, these are the games they are using. Always look to see if the chat function can be turned off, but know that a smart kid knows how to turn it back on when you're not looking, and remember, your kid is a genius.

What games are okay? I have a husband who seems to play every game, or know someone who does, so I just ask him. If you don't have the same kind of access as me, utilize parental reviews online. They are out there for every game imaginable and can really help you decide. Our rule is 2 games for our kids phones. That's all they can have, and theoretically, all they should have time to play. If they want to download a new game they have to ask. On Android there are a lot of ways they can be sneaky (although most don't realize that google play keeps track of everything you download ever, unless you tell it to deliberately erase stuff) on Apple, if you have them listed as a child, there is a setting where you have to sign in to allow all downloads and can see all downloads. For the computer, no one downloads anything without asking. Our kids way around this, and a very popular workaround on school devices everywhere because it bypasses firewalls, are .io games. These are silly little mini games that you play in your browser window and that are not indexed into the world wide web as "games" so they can bypass firewalls and blocking software. If you block all .io addresses, Jackbox games won't work on your Playstation. I say this from experience. Somehow limiting them always punishes me. I hate .io games. They are useless time wasters that I can never seem to be rid of. There are a lot of great articles and websites to tell you what is scary and what is okay when it comes to online games.

What about social media? I personally feel very strongly that kids don't need it. More girls than boys seem to beg for it. I have heard many, many compelling arguments about why it's necessary in todays electronic world and I'm aware of the social suicide I am causing them to endure. I still say no. The internet is forever, and a single screenshot can render anything you delete into a useless feat. Kids do not have the maturity to handle the social media world and the world hasn't shown much maturity in handling it either. If you allow it, make it a condition that you are their friend and that you check in to see what they're up to occasionally. Be very sure to utilize privacy settings at their max. It's easier to lower them later than to live with what can happen when you start without them. Google is your friend here. Regularly search your childs name and see what comes up. Do this with your child if you need to help them see the permanence of their actions. Google your own name occasionally too, it's worthwhile. Be aware that anything with a chat function is essentially social media. We forget about sites like reddit, that can be good sources of information, but also have chat forums and lurkers and dark sides. This is where my child met and befriended a bunch of drug addicts and learned how to google prescription med uses, how to build your own bong and so many others things I never wanted to know and never wanted to discuss with him. On the plus side, it really upped his resourcefulness, everything he learned was really about using what you have on hand. If only we could use his skills for good instead of evil right?

It's important to discuss the internet as both a useful tool and a dangerous weapon. It definitely has two sides. Emphasize what you're comfortable having your kids do on the internet and listen to what they want to do on the internet. Regularly schedule to rediscuss. If you have open lines of communication then it doesn't have to be scary out there. I mean, I have 5 kids, so statistics say it will be scary with at least one of them even if I do my best, but maybe you'll do better. If you mess up, google is your friend. You will find other people going through the same thing and endless options and ideas for what to try next when you feel overwhelmed. There is no single answer that will work for everyone. Some kids navigate this new fangled technology world with ease and others find all the sharp jagged edges and make the journey hard. It's just how this stuff goes.

All that being said, we've mostly made it through the porn searches, internet creepers. online bullying, fake email creations, online purchases of illicit substances, unauthorized downloads, midnight game playing and inappropriate google search phases with our boys. I have stories about all of these moments that can make you either laugh or cry, and I'm glad they're mostly behind us. We have shown our children that we can see through incognito windows, pull up deleted browser histories, see online purchases and basically "internet" better than them so they have mostly given up or reverted to things they know will get them caught. Or maybe, they "internet" on a whole other level now and we just haven't caught them yet. If so, I can only pray they'll use their powers for good when they grow up.



But, our current nemesis is Youtube. It is the ultimate time waster that has just enough useful content that, as a household, we don't want it permablocked. When I google searched this morning I came up with an answer from Michael Brennan, Former IT Executive, Digital Marketing Strategist on Quora. He says he is a psychologist in his answer and details the definition of procrastination in a great way. His solution? Note how much time you're spending, keep a log, help make yourself aware. Self impose time limits (there are apps for this too, but again, your kids can get around them). Make a schedule of your time. Loosely schedule your "have to's" and your "want to's" on paper with a pen. He noted the importance of writing it out for how our brain processes the information. Finally he recommended a book called "12 rules for life: an antidote for chaos."

His solution really resonated with me and with my son when I showed it to him. My 15 year olds, and my 13 year old, are certainly at an age where they can take control of their schedules and not let these time wasters be the end of them. This problem is one that everyone faces and that will not go away until it is acknowledged and held accountable. I am kind of excited that it's happening now when the consequences aren't as heavy and when we can be around to help them build an armory of tools to combat procrastination before they head into the adult world. I suppose I kind of feel that way about all of it, I'm glad it happened now and that we could work through it together. I still hope it doesn't happen to you, and wish you the best of luck on your journey through this internet ridden world with your child.

Please share what works for you or any questions that you might have. Even the nosy ones :)

Obligatory pics of my kids using technology. As you can see, it's been going on for awhile :)

Blended learning home day.

Is he doing school or watching Youtube? The smile is usually a dead giveaway!

I Need To Tell You Something

So...life is weird.

I have lived my entire life taking being healthy for granted.

I've only been seeing a doctor for the last 3 years, and that's been mostly for well visits and when they ask if I have concerns, I'm always baffled by the question and my answer is no. I'm just there because I think I'm supposed to go get checkups. It's part of adulting right?

But, last August my life got turned upside down and I've been reeling trying to find my new normal.

I haven't said anything to the world at large, and wasn't going to, until I made a new facebook friend recently. She's in my online support group and lives in Denver. She was diagnosed recently and found the support group and facebook friend requested people and I accepted. I normally wouldn't accept a facebook friend like that, I am very choosy because I share so much online, but I did. As her friend I could see that she was sharing her diagnosis with everyone she knew and sharing information to educate people on her disease. It was fascinating and she received very supportive responses. Why wasn't I doing that?

I realized that it was because I was still in a place where I was hoping it wasn't true. Because it's a diagnosis with no test to confirm and because it could also be several other, less forever type, things, I did not accept it. I still have secret hopes that everyone is wrong and it all turns out to be something insanely simple and fixable. (Guess they're not so secret hopes now) Even awful, but fixable would be preferable. I found myself praying that they'd find a tumor or growth or something on any of the hundred blood tests, ct scans, mri's etc... Now that is a weird headspace to find yourself in. It's not healthy. I think owning the diagnosis and moving forward is probably the healthier option. I'm glad I had someone to show me that.

In the process of all this I shut down. I kept bailing on plans. I only saw people on good days so no one knew I had bad days. I stopped exercising for fear it would trigger something. I tried soooo many different meds and diets and treatments to see if they would help and they all had weird side effects that weren't just for me to deal with, my whole family was stuck with the monster I had become. Unreliable, unpredictable, lazy, whiny. Let me tell you, I wasn't anyone's ray of sunshine.

Which brings me to now and to what I have to say. I have been diagnosed with Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia. Typing that felt like the announcement in AA that each person gives before they speak. Anyways, moving on. This is a chronic facial pain condition, and mine is primarily on my left side. All the tests have come back clear which means I don't have anything scarier than this, but also means that doctors don't know what is causing this. It's a disease usually reserved for older people and there is no cure. There are anti-seizure medication options that all come with significant side effects and that do not work long term. There are several brain surgery options as well, but they are usually reserved for visible nerve compressions, which I do not have. Sooo, lots of great options right? I have come to understand what it's like to want to do something and be physically incapable of it. I am thankful that my moments like that are fleeting. I feel so awful for those that are stuck in that condition permanently and I am in awe of what they accomplish with those kinds of limitations.

This last week I have finally had my first almost pain free days since this started in August 2018. They have been glorious. They have also made me see how much I've lost and given up in the last 6 months. It's left me contemplative, remorseful and reinvigorated to do better and be better. At least as long as the meds work. My current meds make me stupid, dizzy, short tempered and cause rapid weight gain, aren't those some fun side effects? I'm learning how to deal with them so I only feel ridiculous some of the time now. I don't actually know if they're working, if my amazing physical therapist has pushed a magic button, or if I am in remission, which is something this disease can swing you in and out of at will. But whatever is happening, I'll take it.

Not really looking for thoughts and prayers or even for support, just wanted to possibly provide my world with some understanding of whatever this monster is. I can't imagine how worried you've been about my recent scarf fetishes, my sudden need for glasses or the fact that you never see me and I often don't answer texts anymore. I have not been myself. The monster that I will henceforth refer to as Scarfy has been a real bitch to deal with. I apologize for the crassness, but it was the only word that felt right for the situation.

I feel remiss if I don't mention that my family has been pretty great through this. They now cook all the meals. They have figured out how to exist without me on the days where I can't speak or be around people. They proudly stand next to me as I swath myself in scarves and hide my face from the world with never a hint of embarassment. They bring me hot drinks and heating pads and give me space when I act scary. They have all educated themselves on the disease and know it's okay to let me know if I'm behaving weird or something looks off since I am not the best judge of anything anymore. The listen to audiobooks when I can't read aloud. We all work on figuring out solutions together.

As I'm rereading this I realize it sounds like I'm dying, and I'm not. I'm figuring out my new reality and even on bad days this crap is usually only a few hours of the day. I still manage to get out and have fun and function. I'm getting past the ptsd of constantly worrying that everything I do might be a trigger and getting too scared to do anything. I am going to be in charge of Scarfy and stop letting him be in charge of me. When in doubt, I bring an actual scarf everywhere I go, so I'm covered. You see what I did there? Ha. See, I'm still laughing too. Sometimes. And I have a really cute pill case now, so fun new acccessories are always a positive right?

That's it. That's all for now. I have overshared for today. It's a whiny post, I'm clearly still working on that part. I'll leave you with some informational links in case you want to know more about this ridiculous excuse for a disease and also a few ridiculous pics that I take to document when I can't make facial expressions or when even wind hurts me so I have to wear whatever mask I can devise. Question: Do you have to be Muslim to wear a hijab, because I really feel like that could be my perfect solution... I'll file that idea as research for later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F8yflGHTTk&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR10f_QznbG-DzQoyS4tCr951l--4lsUvknaP5Bfd-14p1paqvoOFBXZqpw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDaMsJz8Rp4

Nosy Nellie #2 - Food

It's time to talk about it. It surrounds us all the time. Some of us can't stop thinking about it. We love it, we hate it, we have to have it to survive.

Food.

I wrote that one of the things on my list of stuff that overwhelms me was cooking. My stepsister had a similar comment about making dinner that everyone will eat being an overwhelming thing. 

So, I thought about it. And it overwhelmed me. Surprise, surprise.

I have multiple issues with food. I am a picky eater, like a really picky eater. You probably don't want to invite me to dinner, and I completely understand. I don't want my kids to be picky and I could write a whole other blog post on how I'm trying to accomplish that, but I probably won't. I'd call it Inside the Picky Eaters Head.

I don't particularly enjoy cooking meals. It's a lot of prep, focus and clean up and I could be playing a game on my phone or reading a book instead. It's kind of thankless, and not like thankless but worth it, like cleaning your shower is. Like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich could have got the job done quicker and with less mess, sort of thankless. And finally, there's the whole meal planning, grocery shopping and healthy aspects. It's like, enough already, we get it. Food is exhausting.

To all of you foodies out there, I applaud you, and I'm officially jealous. Also, hats off to the cooking network (is that what it's called?) because that sometimes manages to inspire me. Other times it shames me. To people who love food and all that it involves, this post is not for you.

Let's break this down into the parts that overwhelm me and how I'm overcoming it.

Step One: Meal Planning



I have figured this one out! I am a genius!! Seriously, it's been like over a year now of being able to make meals that people eat. I'll hold for the applause.

The List

Here's part one of my secret: the list.
It has been an incredibly simple, yet effective, tool. I sat my family down, and we didn't get back up, until everyone had thought of at least two meals that they really liked. We talked about the suggestions, and any meals that were liked by more than half the family made it on the list. This served us well for over a year and then I introduced the Better and Homes and Garden cookbook as well. Any child looking to get creative or wanting to try something new has been welcome to find a recipe to follow in here.

We are a large family so we ended up with a lot of ideas, smaller families may need to think of more things that they each like to make this plan work. My husband, and sometimes me too, tries to eat keto, so most of our dinners have at least a version of them that can be keto. We used to just follow this and I would have a basic grocery list each week and just look at this list on the side of our fridge for inspiration as to what to cook.

As you can see, my adorable days of the week menu has been very useful as a list maker, not so much as a weekly planner. Plans for that are in the works. I suck at updating stuff on the regular though. I'm a one and done sort of planner it would seem.

Part two of my secret: the people.Nowadays, everyone has a day to cook in our house except for me. Because A. I don't want to and B. I have to help almost everyone else. It's been this way for months, and my husband only realized that I don't have a day assigned to cook this past week. It was a fun moment. I smiled. I don't actually hate cooking, but I don't love it, and my health has made me wildly unpredictable and unreliable, so my personal chef plan was born.

Every two weeks we sit down and I make everyone tell me two meals they'll be cooking. We look at the calendar to see if anyone is getting a free pass due to scheduled activities etc... and the kids eat leftovers, or make your own dinners, on my husband and my date night once a week. And so, a plan is made and people are fed.

Step Two: Grocery Shopping

Shout out to my best friend and her wife for finally getting me to try the whole online grocery ordering thing! As they think of things during the week, they put them in their Walmart Grocery App cart and then on the weekend they go and pick up the order without ever having to go in the store. It's a real time saver for them. Inspiring right? So organized and so simple.

But... I love the store. I love most any kind of shopping. I have been against trying the online ordering because then I wouldn't go in the store. I'm glad I caved. For me it's a huge money saver when I am not wandering through and finding other items that I'm sure I "need." That being said, I've only used the online pickup thingamajig once. But I did love it. I should do it more. Be like my best friend on this one. Trust me.

Meanwhile at our house, my family tells our Echo Dot to put items on the list as we run out of them. Ain't technology grand? My entire family cooks now, so I consult the meal plan that I make them sit down and creat and then I hunt through our kitchen to ascertain what items will be needed and also consult Alexa for the staples that we may need. Next, I should type the items into the grocery store app and schedule a pickup and go to Costco for the rest because I'm too cheap to pay them to deliver. Instead, I usually end up going to three stores, on different days, to get everything and end up buying a lot of extra things along the way. I'm obviously still a work in progress in this area. I need to get out more so that grocery shopping stops seeming so appealing. Food for thought.

Step Three: Cooking

This is my favorite, because I don't do it. Sort of. I have a 6 and a 7 year old as two of my personal chefs, so they rely heavily on me as their sous chef. It was a bit of a struggle at first, but my kids have all really leaned in to the cooking requirement, and even seem to take pride in what they come up with. Sometimes I take pictures of it because I'm so gall darned proud that I've found a way to not be the cook.

My husband does Sundays, it's our big family dinner night and he does his own shopping and planning. Baby has Mondays, New Girl has Tuesdays, Wednesday is date night, Moe has Thursdays, Curly has Fridays and Larry has Saturdays. Everyone has a night of the week when they don't have a lot else going on so that it doesn't feel overwhelming.
Obviously this system doesn't work if your kids are in a million activities or if you love to cook and this would kill your greatest joy, but everyone needs to find their own stride. Making my kids participate has made them aware of how to cook, how to plan, to think of others, and it ensures that everyone likes dinner at least once a week (although sometimes it's not the one they cooked!)

Step Four: Clean Up

Someone who didn't cook is required to clean up each night, I pass the task out at random and based off if heavy dishes were used that could be broken by small people. Curly has been assigned to dishes for the year so he does those once everything is cleaned up from dinner. This is done as a bare minimum sort of chore by my kids so my kitchen is usually still a mess after dinner. I don't usually wipe down counters and thoroughly clean til the next morning, or at least once every few days. In this area I could really step up my game. I'm just now realizing as I type this. Light bulb.

And...that's it. Everyone is involved and invested. This minimizes the complaining by 1000% and hopefully gives my kids some skills they could use as adults. And again, it means I don't have to cook, so everyone is happy in the end, right? It works for us. And now you know, you Nosy Nellie.

Overwhelmed and Unprepared - Nosy Nellie #1

Let's just get this out of the way right off the bat. No, I have not posted in quite awhile. Yes, I have reasons. Are we good now? Let's move on.

A friend texted me today wondering what to do when feeling overwhelmed as a wife, woman, mom etc.. and also how I managed with my whole household of kids. She is a very close friend, so I know she knows I really don't manage most of the time, but it's sweet that she added that to make me feel good.

I thought about this conundrum of feeling overwhelmed all the time and yet always ending up unprepared for what comes next. I reassured her that I am in the same boat, but also shared a few ideas that have helped me in the past. As I did this, a blog mini-series was born into my mind and I quickly threw down the clean laundry I was folding and rushed to the computer to get the thoughts out before they disappeared into the abyss that is my future. (In my mind I sang the new Frozen song, "Into the Unknown" as I wrote this line. I'm telling you so you're not alone.)

So without further ado I present to you the Nosy Nellie series (apologies to my cousin, I promise this doesn't refer to you, I just needed the alliteration because well...it's alliteration.) Each Nosy Nellie post will focus on something in my life that overwhelms me or something from your life that overwhelms you (if you write a note in my comments, and I read it, and I have anything to offer on the subject. So basically, we'll see how that works out.) Complete with unaltered photos, I'll allow you to be nosy and peak into my life (heck you can even see my medicine cabinet if you really want to) as I share brutally honest info on what works and what doesn't for me and my family of 5 kids, 2 extra adults and a zoo full of furry animals. I say brutally honest, because I have gotten some comments (and considered some blog posts) on how nothing phases me, or how easy I make things seem and other lovely things that people say that make me want to shake them physically back into reality. I do not have it all together, but I do have the ability to keep moving on with my life and to find the bright side. It's fun that it means I can sometimes bamboozle (fun word alert) my adoring public into thinking that means I've got it all together. Sorry men (and by men I mean my Dad, because he may be the only male who reads this blog) but this series will be rather mom world centric, although I'm open to hearing your male struggles as well.

Without further ado (there's been enough of that already) let's brainstorm together and get our whine on!

My first suggestion to my friend was to make a list of what feels so overwhelming. I find that this allows me to let some things go and chill out a bit and also allows me to make plans, that I won't follow through with, for the rest. I blame it on parenting, nothing works for more than a few months. After that your pesky kids catch on and then you've got to think of new ways to wade through the chaos.

Here's a recent list for me:

- kids bedroom floors are never picked up
- main floor of house is never clean enough for guests to come unexpectedly
- i hate cooking
- i hate putting away laundry
- if it wasn't for me all our animals would be dead
- the garage, just so much about the garage
- doctors appts
- the unending piles of paperwork
- finding time for me stuff

I'll give this a day or two to see if  I get any facebook, texts, or comment responses of topics you'd all like to tackle. Depending on what I hear and how overwhelmed I feel :) we'll jump right in to what's going on. As promised, here's a first photo (it's altered though, because b&w seemed cooler in the moment) of my overwhelmed face and a pile of ridiculousness next to my computer that I haven't fixed for the past week.

Aloha Internet, I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

Sleuthing

You guys, I am so on it!

I have a herd of wily, inventively deceptive people living under the same roof as me that think they can pull the wool over my eyes. But when it comes to moms, we always know.

**DO NOT share stories of all the stuff you got away with as a kid!**

I said don't.

I'm not listening.

Lalalalalalalalalala.

I can't hear you.

Let me have this.

Tonite I received an email from my web protection software thanking me for my feedback. My feedback read, "will you give me a password to unblock k9 i forgot mine and my email was hacked and stolen help plz" Sounds just like me right? The kid who wrote this is not winning at life right now.

Sleuthing is becoming my main activity as a parent these days.  It's all day long, following clues, sniffing out perpetrators, and unearthing my findings, Hercule Poirot style, with a long winded explanation and pointed J'accuse! Did they not get the memo that I'm the "cool mom" they can talk to and never have to hide stuff from?

Really, it's exhausting and I wish they'd just stop already. After tonites debacle I calmly explained that they weren't going to win this war on the technology battlefront. I'm not afraid to say it, I'm smarter than them. With the power of google and mom brains combined I've unearthed incognito web searches, secret chat room conversations, and the likes of which I will not sully this blog with descriptions of. All in the past few months. And this is not new, it just recently became more pervasive. And yet they keep trying. Points for perseverance I guess? Plus, they always seem to forget, I have an ace up my sleeve because my dearly devoted brilliant husband writes programs for computers! Anything google can't explain to me, he can. My resources are limitless. Still, they persisted.

It's not just in the ever evolving technology world that I'm called upon to utilize my Miss Marple like attention to detail. I frequently find myself running down the dirty details of who didn't flush, who ate the last tortilla and who let the dog out. I take it all on headfirst, filled with the vim and vigor that only the righteous can attain. I'm thinking of either starting to sport a monocle or buying a spy glass, can't decide which is more becoming... But it's time to let the world know that I may very well be the next Sherlock Holmes.

They say you should play brain games to keep your mind young. At they rate they're putting me through this, my mind will NEVER EVER age. Or it's completely gone already, time will tell.

this image was copied from https://pixabay.com/en/deceive-deception-lies-1299043/

p.s. Mostly unrelated but you should probably know that the collective noun for a group of bears is a sleuth. I couldn't use that title and not share my fun fact. Mod Ohana has me knee deep in fun animal facts these days :)

Marching to the top of laundry mountain

I always hear people refer to their "mountain of laundry" and it makes me think of the Backyardigans song "Dragon Mountain." This is the link in case you're hard up for entertainment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsH6QN_JJT4
I'm a bit of a Backyardigans geek and I turn lots of my life into parodies of their songs. File that under things you probably didn't need/want to know about me.

Anyways... back to laundry mountain. It's insurmountable. It somehow manages to grow no matter how many loads you do. It'd a never ending enigma that can ruin you every time you're forced to look at it or deal with it. It's literally days and days of your life gone as you slave away at it.

Taken from https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3e/91/81/3e91812f4f0ecd35ef78895bae433d14.jpg

Or so I thought.

I used to have a laundry day every week where I'd do as much as I could, be overwhelmed by the idea of putting it all away and then try to forget about it til the next week. Then, I created a laundry system that consisted of 6 laundry sorters in my laundry room, several laundry baskets for transporting clean laundry and 2 laundry bins upstairs to collect dirty clothes. I switched to it several years ago and it took my laundry problem from insurmountable to merely never ending. I thought I had it mastered, as much as you could master laundry. Every day I (or one of my kids) put a load into the washer, moved a load into the dryer, and took the load in the dryer out to be folded and put away. With this method, the laundry stayed contained to the sorters(mostly) so it was organized chaos, and though the laundry wasn't always put away, we weren't completely running out of anything. I slowly started to realize that when I felt the need to buy clothes I should do the laundry first and see if I really needed it or if it was just out of sight, out of mind. Basically, my laundry routine started to have very adult like tendencies. Good stuff right?

Wrong.

I'm going to write another post about how I discovered the solution to the great laundry conundrum, but in a nutshell, it was "less clothes equals less laundry." I read this over and over in facebook posts during the past year as I was waging my personal battle with minimalism. A lot of times the post came with questions and doubters saying that you wear the same amount of clothes so your amount of laundry doesn't change if you have less clothes, you just have to do laundry more often. I sort of agreed with this for the first few months and laundry wasn't even on my minimalism radar yet. As  I reached the halfway point in my year of minimalism, I was really starting to see change in my life, and things were getting easier, so I started to think about other stuff that needed to be minimalized. Laundry kept appearing as a passing thought, but not a legitimate concern, after all I had it under control right?

Then we reached the last part of the year and decided that we were going to move and sell our house. All the last little minimalizing things that had been gnawing away at the back of my brain now had to be confronted immediately. All year I had been getting rid of clothes bit by bit, for both myself and my kids, but I hadn't really seen much difference. So, I made my most brutal cuts yet. My kids all had to go down to what would fit in a suitcase and I had to make my clothes not just fit in my closet but look nice (i.e. have some space or room to grow, like in a magazine picture.) The initial difference was remarkable. We quickly got better about putting our clothes away because there was more room to do so, it wasn't a stressful jigsaw puzzle of how to make it all fit. I found myself more excited than ever to pick out outfits because I could see them all (and I have always had a bit of a love affair with my clothes.)

The real amazement has happened in the last 2 months. We can't have laundry piles, filled laundry baskets in our rooms or even 6 completely filled laundry sorters in the laundry room. Although it is contained, it doesn't look (or sometimes smell) nice when people are viewing our home. We kept up our schedule of the once a day laundry cycle 6 days a week (Tuesday is my moms day to do her laundry) and quickly found that we were only needing 3 or 4 of the laundry sorters at a time. A laundry basket broke and we were down to two for folding and transporting clean laundry. We've found that we now actually need only one. Amazing how that works when you put the laundry away immediately. It's reached a point where now, even with washing our bedding, curtains etc... weekly (we have allergy issues that require this) we run out of laundry to do in just 4 or 5 days and have to search for something to wash. As all of our clothes now spend more time living in our closets and drawers, and less of their life living in our laundry room, we're carefully continuing to cull and if we want something new to come in, something old goes out.

It's an amazingly freeing thing to be out from under the spell of the laundry beast. It really came down to a little organization, a little follow through, and a lot less clothes. We're not doing capsule wardrobes, or flylady schedules or anything fancy. I never even read the actual Allie Cassaza blogs on laundry, just the comments about it that less clothes equals less laundry.

Who would have guessed.

Taken from http://www.thecoersfamily.com/family-closet/

P.S. In case you want the nitty gritty details:

15 minutes: It is Curly's chore to switch the laundry everyday and bring me the basket of clean clothes. He empties the upstairs laundry bins once a week when he's run out of downstairs laundry to do.

20 minutes: I fold them and put away the adult clothes and household laundry (towels etc..)

10 minutes: Each kid (even the 4 year old) takes their pile (if they have one) and puts it away.

First Post Since September?!?!?!

Wow!

A friend asked me today if I'd been blogging about what I've been up to lately and I responded, "Not in a month or two, but lots of thoughts brewing."

These words were swimming in my head and just wouldn't drown out so I had to log in and check when I last posted. It was September. September?!?!

It only took me a moment of looking at my blog post listings to see why.

I've been living a secret life.

There, I said it. Now you know. I am your real life Clark Kent.

I wish. It's nothing as glamorous as saving the world in my very own lycra one piece that I'm mysteriously always wearing under my clothes without anyone noticing. (you guys, the chafing would be unreal!!) I do look good in fake glasses though so that means I can't rule out my life going in this direction in the future.

The reality of my secret life can be seen as soon as you view my blog post listings. It is filled with Draft notifications. That is a true to life depiction of the word that practically shouted at me when I opened up my blog website today. Each of those drafts represents a secret. A story I needed to tell but didn't feel that I had permission to. It's so messy how our lives get all entwined with others.

Ewww, am I right. I may live on an island, but I am not one. My island is overflowing, in good and bad ways. I still haven't figured out how to share without the fear of what these people will think and feel about my words.

So, before I begin to tell you about where my life is now (and there's so much to say!), I feel that I need to fill you in on where my life has been this past year. It's a little dark and unfunny at times, but thank you sweet Lord Jesus for helping me make light of everything.

Here goes. **sound of bandaid ripping off** This is a small selection of last years secrets. Some I can share in their entirety, some are going to get a very broad overview. I spoke to the people involved to determine what level of sharing was acceptable and this is what we came up with together.

Draft - Living With A Child That You Can't Help - March 2017

Everyday you wake up and wonder, will today be a good day or a bad day?

You mentally go over your schedule and plan an out for every activity just in case you need it.

You tread lightly as you wake them or check with them for the first time that day. You don't want to be the one who sets them off. You pray every day that you can be their safe space.

Every grunt, sigh or groan they utter is immediately analyzed. Was it a normal teenage sigh? Was that groan the beginning of an anger shit storm? Does that grunt you heard from the other room mean they're hurting themselves or someone else?

As the day rolls along you get caught up in it and feel you can breathe more normally. You look around your house or your family and feel that familiar love, joy or contentment. Then you realize you can't see him. You mentally retrace to when you last saw them. You're racing through your brain in an uncontrollable frenzy, while on the outside maintaining the best semblance of calm that you can, as you quick step through the house looking for them. Sometimes they just got caught up reading in the bathroom, sometimes their hiding under covers and cowering, scared of themselves.

Every time they don't feel well you question whether they're faking, whether it's the meds or whether it's a common cold. You doubt yourself and feel you can't provide the care a mother's supposed to give her child. Whatever you choose will be the wrong choice. You're supposed to be 2 steps ahead but you always fail to see what's right around the corner.

Something triggers them and you search frantically for the source so you can protect them from it. Sometimes there is no source other than the paranoia in their own brain. Sometimes you're the source. It all feels insurmountable.

You watch them spiral and struggle to give them space as they grasp and fight to regain control. They ask to take a bath. Your first thought is yes! What a great way to calm down and feel better. As they head into the bathroom though you quietly put your ear to the door and hover. They saw a movie today where a kid tried to drown himself in a bathtub. Are they trying to copycat? You casually call out, "how's it going in there?" and try to hide the tremor in your voice.

You read another book, join another online support group and comb the internet one more time looking for answers, quick fixes, commiseration, understanding. You never find quite what you need.

It's their story to tell, not yours. You can't describe your struggle without theirs. When you finally confide, it's usually met with well intended judgement. People say it's typical teenage behavior, that they're manipulating you or that they just don't see it, your child seems fine to them.  

It all feels so alone but you go to bed with hope. Today they fought against it and won. They're still around to fight another day. Maybe tomorrow will be the day they find a magical cure or God performs a miracle. You turn off the light and climb into bed. Some nights you unburden your worries and fears on your partner, other nights you avoid it because you see the pain it causes. You will your mind to calm down and rest. You get up one last time to check in on them. They look peaceful and calm in their sleep and you feel like a crazy person. Maybe your just imagining it all. Seeing them calm helps your mind get the message to chill out and you drift off to sleep amazed at the ebb and flow of emotion that comes with each day in the life of a child with a mental illness.

**When talking with the child from this story about the possibility of sharing, he initially said no way. We talked more and decided that for now I need to leave his stories as drafts until they are resolved. Only then can I share in the hopes that maybe it will help others with similar struggles. I assured him that's its mostly my side of the story. He says he never wants to read these posts. We both may have cried, but I cannot confirm this, reputations may be at stake if I do.

This post is from when he first started self-harming. It was a very scary period. We sought help and through a powerful mix of God, support, medication and therapy things have gotten a lot better. He gets up everyday and fights through the negative thoughts that he can't control and strives to be the amazing brother, son and friend that we all know and love. Our relationship has grown so much closer through this process, that's something I'll always have mental illness to thank for. Other than that it kind of sucks.

Draft - 1st day of foster care - May 2017

I'm sitting and watching my sons swim during my first truly free moment of our first day providing temporary guardianship for a girl that I flew across the United States to get.

I've spent the first 1/2 of practice glancing at my son's occasionally as I put most of my focus into googling 1st time foster care. I read a lot of good suggestions and one that stuck was, document everything.

That brings me to now and writing this blog that I will never post. These unposted blogs help me get out feelings that I can't share or remember things that get lost in my turbulent life.

This girl is amazing. The journey of bringing her to my family was a turbulent one. She's an incredibly bright girl who seems to love everyone and everything. She has an infectious laugh and a very healthy dose of curiosity.

That being said, there are things that I'll be praying over and working on with her. She's incredibly independent. I mean that in an unsafe way. She doesn't stay with me when we're walking and she wanders the house alone and gets what she wants. She doesn't seem to have a concept of asking for things and being in a group.

When you correct her she tends to go completely blank faced or sometimes (especially if she's tired) you'll see her whole body shake or she'll whimper. She is going to need an extra kind tone and lots of reminders.

She says whatever is on her mind, and it's often inappropriate or unknowingly unkind. She is extremely appreciative of anything we give her and willingly shares everything. 

She is insistent on trying to call our littlest monster her sister and on reminding me that her mom is far away.

We're so thrilled to have her here and excited to get to know her better and learn how we can best help her in her journey.

**She's been living with us for almost 8 months now. Our agreement is to keep her for a year and then she goes back to her mom as long as all the conditions have been met. It's been a crazy rollercoaster adding a new person into our family and living everyday with the temporariness of it all. We'll know soon what is next for her. Her mom is doing well and trying hard. She is torn between 2 families that she loves and we are torn between wanting to keep her with us and wanting her to be with her mom who loves her dearly. Its a messy messy thing. I always thought I wanted to adopt or foster, but this whole situation has changed me. I find that I struggle daily to make sure I love her as much as my other children, treat them all fairly and to give her what she needs rather than what she wants. This has been a secret that you know if you're around us because you get to meet her, but not one for the world at large. The story is too big, the reasons are too long, and once again, it's not just my story to tell.

Draft - Downward Spiral - May 2018

Much like the Trump presidency, I feel I am witnessing the beginning of another downward spiral.

We've had 3 almost blissful weeks. You couldn't ruffle the kids feathers if you tried. He zoomed through months worth of schoolwork in days. He happily participated, planned and attended activities. He started wanting to make plans with friends. He got his first ever state swim time.

Then today he was up way to early. I knew it meant he hadn't slept well, but I tried to ignore it. We went to the gym and he had no goals. I saw him muddle through his workout and worried that he seemed off.

Throughout the day he checked in with me, notes of panic in his voice and eyes, double and triple checking what we were doing, at what times. Rehashing plans and seemingly grasping for control. I told myself I was overreacting.

He begged to go to the store with me. Now I know he was probably having one of his panic attacks where he needs an adult. At the time I couldn't figure out why he suddenly needed to go to Costco. My son, the finder, couldn't find basic groceries or figure out where we were in the store. It was like he was in a daze. I've never seen him like that. Ever.

Later his friends came over and I watched him withdraw. He tried to take a bath while they were still at our house in an attempt to escape. Long bathroom breaks, grunting replies and grinding teeth should have made things clear, but still I pushed him.

It's the end of the school year. He has days left to finish up schoolwork and get everything turned in. He hid schoolwork from me and knowingly failed tests, sure signs that things aren't well with him. By the time my husband made it home I was sure. I asked him to talk to our son, I was getting yelled at every time I tried. My husband didn't get it. He talked to him and played a game with him. The quality one on one time calmed our son but it didn't change the underlying unrest.

Finally, it's 10pm and he's crying and saying  he doesn't know what's wrong. Everything feels fuzzy and he can't concentrate. He agrees to email his counselor after I promise he doesn't have to go to school if things are still bad tomorrow.

But here's the thing, what if things are still bad tomorrow? I'm not sure I can handle another one of his spirals.  I'm now responsible for 4 other children and it's not fair how this affects them. I don't have an action plan. I don't know who to call or what to do. I don't know if it was just a bad day or the beginning of his next downward spiral. I'm terrified of tomorrow and finding out. I'm going to feel awful either way. I can't imagine how he feels. I just want him to be okay. He didn't ask for this. He doesn't deserve this. He needs a chance to just be a kid.

**This got scarier before it got better. He started hearing voices and getting extremely paranoid. We ended up changing his medication and everything improved. The thing that had helped save him months before was tearing him up. This one has been a big hurdle to get over. It's left him feeling crazy, his words, not mine. We all try to explain that medication did this to him, not his brain, not the disease, but it's left him feeling not in control and that's made him more guarded. There have been a lot of good months and he's made it through the bad ones like the champion that he is. But, it's hard to share. It's a big looming secret that doesn't have a lot of funny to it. I'm glad we've come to an agreement about ways that I can share, it feels like a weight off my shoulders.

Draft - It's not going how I thought it would go - all of 2017

**This one was all about my mom. She's been living with my family for almost 2 years now and I almost never say a word about her in the blogging world. There's a million funny stories and a million frustrating ones revolving around having her here with us. But, I still remain worried that she'll take something that I say wrong, we have very different senses of humor. For now these stories will remain drafts, until one day she reads them and okays them or she dies and I write it all as a memoir and pray that she can laugh about it all in heaven. For now just know that living with my mom is not going how I thought that it would go. She had another stroke this past summer and I was reminded that that is why she is here. So that we're close by during these emergency situations. She recovered amazingly well, the only side affect was a reminder to me that I need and want to keep her close by no matter what. That being said, she is ready for some independence and so am I. We are actively looking for housing for her where she can remain nearby but we can all gain a little space and perspective. I think it will make us all appreciate each other more. If not, than we're not very good people.

Draft - Health woes have me like whoa! - September through December 2017

** This was not the actual title, there were just a bunch of unfinished blog posts relating to my health. After my moms stroke, her doctor told me that my sisters and I needed to go get checked for a hereditary lipid disorder. The disorder lies at the heart of my moms medical problems and there was a chance that we might have it. It's a silent disease, you don't see the symptoms of plugged arteries, strokes and other problems until it's too late to fix them. I called my sisters and told them to get checked. I did not get checked. It took me several months to work up the courage to even make the appointment and then I had to wait almost 4 weeks before I went. It was agonizing and I had myself convinced that I was dying. As it turns out, I ended up finding a great doctor who was very kind to me as she explained that I was extremely overweight and ordered a million blood tests to check for the disorder. The results came in and the numbers weren't good. She instructed me to make some big lifestyle changes and to get rechecked in 3 months to see what the changes had done to the numbers. I thought she had explained that we wouldn't know if I had high numbers because I was fat or because of the disorder. I went back to see her 2 months later for something unrelated and discovered that I technically had the disorder whether I was fat or not. I was not prepared for this. I still had another month to go until I could recheck my numbers. I fell into a mental black hole as I tried to reassure myself that I wouldn't have strokes in my 50's, that I'd be able to walk and hike with my grandkids. My powers of persuasion were not strong. But...the lifestyle changes worked wonders. I dropped over 400 points off my triglyceride levels. They are still way too high, but I got into a respectable range for someone with the disorder. It means the lifestyle changes are going to be permanent and I'll have to get checked regularly, but I'm down 30lbs from when this all started and I am confident that I am doing everything I can to be as healthy as I can be, I hope it's enough, but worrying won't change anything. My family, especially my husband, have been insanely supportive as I've changed how we eat, the time I need to exercise, and on us all focusing on living healthier. I t just felt like a woe is me blog post every time I tried to say something so I never finished my thoughts or clicked post as the story unfolded last year.

Draft - The Big Move - September through December 2017

** Once again, this subject never warranted fully written posts because you can tell the internet world things until you've handled it all in the real world. People get very touchy about this stuff. Last year, my husband and I began entertaining the idea of moving from the island that we've lived together on for the last 17 years. We've talked about moving A LOT over the course of our marriage, but there are always insurmountable hurdles of one type or another that keep us here. This time was different. Everything kept coming up roses no matter how much we tried to find weeds. And so that brings us to the last, but not least secret, we are moving to Colorado Springs, Colorado in May 2018. There will be lots more to come on this subject but for now it feels good to get it out in the open. It was too many months of whispering behind closed doors and worrying about the sadness of the wonderful people that we're leaving behind. Now it's a new year with a new focus on the greatest adventure our family has yet to experience, moving across the country as a family of 7 with a dog, a mom and a sister in tow. Life is good.