Not going to lie, I googled the definition of dichotomy before using it. It was one of those things where I was 90% sure I knew what I was saying. That percentage wasn't enough to give me the confidence to put it out there to the whole world. Turns out I knew what I was saying. Trust thyself!
This morning I was driving and feeling frustrated that people don't tell me things. I have a long history of being real late to the game when it comes to knowing what's going on with friends and family. That's torture for a know-it-all like me. I've been told, more than once, that it's scary to tell me things so people just don't. That is what I was angry about this morning. Why would it be scary if you're not doing anything wrong? Why wouldn't you be excited to tell me? How judgy do you think I am? Have you seen me behave in a way that you think I'll do to you? I worked myself into a frenzy over all the ridiculousness people must be dealing with in their own lives if they think I'm scary. I wanted to get in their faces and yell at them that I'm kind and understanding. I felt like someone needed to shake some sense into them. That's probably scary though right?
Then I stopped letting emotions be in control and started trying to think rationally about it. It might not have that much to do with me. I do need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve around me, I'm not the sun. But I do shine bright... :) Maybe my friends and family are thinking of how hard conversations go on tv. You need drama in those conversations. It's pretty anticlimactic to drop a juicy secret and get no reaction. I might love a stage and a microphone, but I don't actually go looking to create drama. I've heard that it's because we might not agree. And? Since when is there a rule that we need to agree on everything. There is a real beauty in agreeing to disagree. Listening to both sides of a situation is awesome. So, they're scared, for their own reasons, I guess. I just hate being the last to know. But I guess somebody has to be.
It's reaching a point where I can tell it's something that I have to get over. Like I'll have big news, and, as is likely to happen with an oversharer, I'll be racing to tell everyone I can. But I find myself pumping the brakes and deliberately not telling the people that I feel have withheld information from me in the past. Turns out I can hold a grudge. I'm as surprised as you are. I am also not impressed with myself. I've realized that I don't know how to share big things with these people without sharing that they hurt me when they didn't share big things with me. But I don't tell them that, because I don't really want a sorry or an excuse. I just wish it hadn't happened and hope it won't again. Basically, if we talk about this, you can't win. It would appear that I just need something to be upset about. How disappointing. I thought I was better than this.
I don't have a therapist but I play one, to myself, in my own life. :P
There's not a lot of dichotomy there. It's the next thought that I had on my morning drive that brought me to that word. There's a lot of friends and family that I would like to tell me less. I know! The irony is ridiculous. I did quickly realize where this feeling came from. I have quite a few people in my life that love to tell me things, when they need something from me. I'm a person of action and I can be counted on to help if at all possible. I think that's a good thing. But I was bummed to realize that some of the same people that don't tell me big things that are happening in life, do tell me all kinds of things if/when they need my help. There's at least one person in my phone contacts right now that I know, 100%, only calls me when they need something. Never to say hi, check in or just share something funny. That sucks. I guess I'm glad that I can be there for them but I wish there was more to our relationship. The dichotomy that I want people to share more, but also less, is funny to me.
My final thoughts as my drive was coming to an end was that I am definitely part of the problem. I'm not checking in with anyone to just say hi, share something funny or to check in. When it happens to me, I quickly reciprocate, I actually love checking in. But, the reality is that I don't instigate anything. Maybe that makes people think I don't care. I might be part of the problem. I admire the checker inners of the world. You have a cool set of skills!
I don't know that any of these thoughts will bring about any change in my life. But it feels good to put them all out of my head and let them land somewhere else. I probably need to check on people more. I also probably need to forgive old stuff and move on. I have more things that I think I'm still mad about. Maybe I need a real therapist. How do we learn to let go?
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