Refocusing

That's what's happening in my household in 2014.

This is the year where we begin to question our actions and take more responsibility. 

The hard questions will be asked:

Can we do without it?

Can we learn from it?

Does it taste better with peanut butter?

Could we be helping more?

Is it still good or has it turned?

Do we need shoes for that activity?

Is that action kind?

And the list goes on and on.

Seriously though, I've been off work and the kids have been out of school and the husband has even had a few days off work and we've had one of those rare opportunities to examine how we work as a family. We discovered that we've been doing a lot of skating by and barely managing and that we don't like that. We want. To be a little more proactive and less reactive.

This year we all hope to live more intentionally and to make the things we do matter. That might mean that candy crush level has to wait a few days to be conquered or that some of my endless half done projects need to be tossed rather than finished. It's a small price to pay for a happy family.

Today, on the first day of the new year I will tend to the worlds crankiness baby, magic eraser the entryway walls, tackle the Mt. doom size pile of laundry, read to my children and force my husband to play the board games that he loves to buy and never plays. That's right folks, I am in my happy place :)

Happy New Year!!

It's been 2 months

If I was in AA this would be a pretty good starting sentence.

As a writer, it's a little bit sad.

I completely blame my dad.

He came for a thrown together at the last second 3 week long visit to paint my house and my mother-in laws house. That means for 3 weeks I was busy hanging with my dad. In my life that sentence is unprecedented. My dad has worked excessively hard my entire life with very few vacations or breaks of any kind. Him being here and meeting my daughter and getting to know my boys was a very big deal.

Oh yeah, and my house now looks extremely awesome too. Well, most of it. It rained while he was trying to mad dash finish my house before he left. So despite his 13 hour work days trying to get it done I have little bits to finish. Of course this translates into probably won't be finished ever because I am allergic to finishing projects. Why isn't there medication for this affliction? The best cure currently available is putting on your big girl pants and they have yet to make a pair big enough to handle all my afflictions so I remain in the land of almost finished aka well, it seemed like a good idea....

Around the time my dad left my hybrid highlander forever car broke and became my worst nightmare. Then my husband became my worst nightmare as he went completely off the deep end about the awfulness of our situation. Don't get me wrong, I was barely hang on in the deep end and spent way too much time staring at the pits of despair but he had me beat by a mile. Don't you love it when I mix metaphors? That brings us to 2 weeks ago when I was finally able to find a new to us car to buy and off load my broken dreams onto a hapless by stander (or well informed craigslist acquaintance). I still need to go to the DMV but I've been saving that drama for another day (although according to my paperwork that day is fast approaching.) I note this momentous occasion so that you may store it away as a cautionary tale. Do not by hybrid without a very good warranty.

2 weeks ago my husbands brother and sister and their families came to visit for Thanksgiving and life became a mad dash of trips to Kihei (a whopping 15 minutes away!), biting my tongue, experiencing what life would be like with 5 kids, and generally experiencing the definition of the phrase "at the beck and call." My kids loved spending time with family and my husband with his siblings is a sight that all should behold so I'm voting it time well spent.

Now we come to today. The day after I went to a nightclub. I don't drink and yet I still feel hungover with a pounding headache. There are sights from the night that I can't unsee. I'm also pretty sure there is photographic evidence of my husband and I dancing....very badly and with no timing. I chalk it up to the things you do at holiday work parties. I also wore glittery shoes, again I chalk it up to the things you do at holiday work parties. The moral of this story is, don't invite me to holiday work parties.

And that's all folks! 

This post is in honor of my dad who always reads my blogs out loud in his kitchen and my sweet friend who sat me down at the holiday work party to remind me that I hadn't written a blog for awhile. Thanks for the support, I hereby dub you my first super fans. Now I'm back in the saddle and the drivel will spill on a more consistent basis (at least for a little while)

I'm hopelessly in love with my kids

Fall break is an amazing time for me to sit back, relax and refocus on my real priorities in life. 

We're halfway through this amazing time of year and it hasn't all gone great but I'm kind of happy about that.

Our house looks like it was hit by a tornado inside and out. I explained to my boys that we would have all the fun you could fit in to a week long break as soon as we got the house cleaned up. They immediately balked, protested, whined, moaned, cried, ignored, yelled and otherwise declared their disdain for my plan.

Through yelling, talking, playing, forcing, bribing and of course teamwork, we managed to get it to a point where I wasn't disgusted by the sight or smell of the inside of the house.

So, yeah! Success!

Once we got past that we've had time to have friends come play, work on school projects, go to the dentist, see a movie, play board games, snuggle, go for walks and just be together. It is awesome!

My kids may drive me nuts but they sure are amazing. When I have time off like this I find that I have about 2 million percent more patience and even their worst habits can be smiled through.

For instance:

Beautiful baby and I have finally gotten tummy time, regular bath schedules full of bubbles and giggles and lots and lots of baby talk conversations where she stares deeply into my eyes. So when she has a night where she wakes up 6 times or an afternoon where she just won't take her nap and hates the world for making her try I can smile and sing my way through it instead of tearing my hair out and pacing the halls bouncing her too aggressively because I can't take the noise anymore. It's been pleasant.

Moe is my special soul who rarely ever pushes my buttons. This break we've read stories together and he's built amazing worlds out of Legos and knex and on minecraft and we've sat together as he shares them with me in minute detail. When he cries and blames his brothers for everything I've been able to keep a straight face as I listen to life's injustices through the eyes of a 7 year old and have a quiet teaching moment with him about personal responsibility. As he's gotten brave with our outside toys and taken tumbles, spills and all out crashes I've sat back and let him learn and bleed awhile instead of giving yelling sermons on safety. It's very pleasant.

Curly (fun fact, he is currently bald) is busy finding his voice this year which means his sassy, whiny and arguing levels have been a little off the chart. We've played games together, discussed his stresses and joys, baked together and danced our little hearts out. As he's had his moments where everything I say is wrong and something his brothers have done is now leading to the end of the world as we know it I've laughed and reminded him of his tools to get in control and make a plan to make things better next time. I've hugged him through the stress and had absolutely zero teeth grinding as he explained to me my obvious deficiencies in general rightness. I could grin and bear it and give him plenty of nap time to sleep it off. The pleasantries we can than exchange have been outstanding.

Larry is my combative one. Something about our personalities can make life hard. He's in a particularily "down" period right now which makes things extra difficult. We've been able to work on school projects and he actually acts like he likes me the whole time. We started a fitness challenge together that gives us one on one time. He's read at least 3 books this week already and we sit and discuss them like the worlds best book clubbers. As he melts down throughout the week and explains that he hates all of my efforts to make anything fun I can let it go instead of getting my feelings hurt. I can smile through his struggles and remind him to look for the positive even in the worst moments. Mostly I can try a little harder to walk a mile in his amazingly cool shoe collection instead of forcing him to conform to my socially acceptable orthopedics. Holy pleasantness batman!

I am thankful for this week and the opportunities I've been given. It reminds me of the 3 million ways I fall short on a daily basis but also gives me goals and hope for the future.

Now, I've done a lot of bragging about my awesomeness in this blog so I'll end with a little something to make you feel better. My kids ate pumpkin pie for breakfast at least twice this week, we're almost out of band aids thanks to a combination of sibling battles, thoughtless actions and poorly executed 360s in the driveway this week, and I stayed up late twice just to level up my kids video games without their permission after I had told them they couldn't play is week.

Hope your break into fall moments have been as outstanding and refreshing and pleasant as mine!

You don't have to be the best but...

...It would also be great if you did more than just stare at your shoes.

I feel like this powerful message isn't getting out there enough. Or if it is, my kids are missing it because they're too enthralled with their shoes.

I'm not just talking about sports. It's life people! As humans I think it should be a requirement that we put forth effort. I'm pretty sure I need a shirt that says "it's not okay to just exist."

I'm also pretty sure my kids are on a mission to prove me wrong. They are often all to content to merely exist. 

Take running for instance. Cross country has been nothing short of a miracle for my 3 sons. In the short 6 week period that they participated they built up their stamina and endurance. It sounds impressive, but you should have seen their starting point. While many friends were training hard and setting goals to finish in the top 10 we were offering to pay each boy $1 if they didn't walk at all during the race. 

Some of them never accomplished this goal.

The first time they ran all out and actually pushed themselves they each were convinced they were dying. You know that tight chest burning sensation you can get from a really tough workout? The one that goes away as your heartbeat slows down and you cool off? Apparently none of my sons had ever felt that feeling. How could they get to the ripe old ages of 7 and 9 and never have pushed themselves physically? I'm sure this speaks to my lack of parenting skills in some way or other....

How about with schoolwork? We live in the land of get it done as fast as you can, even if it's something you enjoy or are excited about. They are all about minimal possible efforts. Some parents and I were discussing a class project today and one parent was wishing we had seen the rubric outlining the expectations so our kids could get the possible grade. Another parent thought that as long as the kids saw the rubric they would try their best and whatever grade they got would be fine. I gave her the deer in the headlights shocked face that she assumed all the kids tried their best. In my sons case, he saw the expectations and put in the most minimal effort and time that he could get away with. And this was a project he was excited about! I shudder to think what will happen when he has a project he's not excited about. He in no way understands the definition of above and beyond and I swear that's practically my life motto.

In all things we are beginning to have discussions of expectations to conquer this problem of merely existing rather than mastering existence. As we drive to school we begin the conversation with "you don't have to be the best but..." Then we discuss that they do have to try their best and discuss examples of trying hard. As we go to sports and other activities it's the same thing. I'm thinking of adding these discussions in at home as well but still working out the kinks. What do you think?

You don't have to be the best at bowel movements but... could you try to wipe, flush and spray some air freshener?

You don't have to be the best eater but... could you try a bite of everything and make sure you say it don't spray it?

You don't have to be the best at getting ready in the morning but... could you try to make it out of the house in clean clothes (no commando allowed!)

Too much? I know, I know, I set crazy high expectations!

Or maybe I'm not tough enough?

Feel free to drop me a line. I love stories of commiseration, welcome your ruminations and, in this instance, welcome your suggestions on how to get kids to put forth effort in their lives.

My kid sucks at basketball

There. I said it.

I know you're shaking your head in disappointment at my lack of kindness, empathy or basic decorum but I have no other way to say it. 

I promise I'm a good parent. My son doesn't know that I think he sucks at basketball. But he does. He's not just catching up or a little behind, he's in the needs a miracle to make it zone. 

There's a million justifications and reasons. He's 7. It's his first sport. He's never played basketball before. He's small for his age. Blah blah blah. Excuses.

In reality, I spend the majority of practice trying to think of kind ways to tell him to keep his shirt out of his mouth. Every time he goes through the warmups I bite my lip to refrain from laughing as his does half of them backwards and chooses to skip along daintily as everyone else runs their hardest. When it's time to catch a pass he can often be found examining a butterfly or poking the kid behind him in the ribs. He gets hit by the ball a lot.

I hate going to his practices and his games are even more embarrassing. I don't need a superstar or anything but what we have is just simply an exercise In futility. I know you're supposed to make them stick it out and encourage them to practice and praise the small successes. I've read a parenting book or two. But have you tried to do that in a situation like this? I keep hoping he'll want to quit so I'll be off the hook.

The part that amazes me through all this is my sons attitude. During practices etc... He looks frustrated or like he doesn't care most of the time. But after every practice and game he tells me "basketball is awesome!" We practice at home and he shows incredible perseverance. No one wants to be his partner and he often messes up the whole team but he lives in a world of rainbows and sunshine where nothing bad exists.

As his mom, I watch and I teeter between embarrassment and sadness. Today is his birthday and he has practice tonite. I've been dreading it.

Well I was dreading. It until I saw a friends post on Facebook:

"Good character is more to be praised than outstanding talent. Most talents are, to some extent, a gift. Good character, by contrast is not given to us. We have to build it, piece by piece - by thought, choice, courage, and determination." John Luther

My little guy isn't delusional in his rainbow world. He sees that he's not on the same level (or the same planet!) as the other players (he's not stupid) but he is filled to overflowing with good character. He tries, he's kind, he includes everyone, he perseveres and he ends his practices with a smile for everyone. Today I am going to watch his practice and try to focus on that and cringe less at all the other stuff.

As shocking as it is that my tiny, slow,uncoordinated child won't be making it to the NBA ( or will he? Michael Jordan didn't make his high school team!) I know he will be a good person filled with good character. Maybe that is where his true talent lies. 

Whoa!

I've had a lot of days where I feel like I'm failing lately.

The reality is, of course, that I'm awesome, but sometimes I forget that in the moment. 

For instance, Beautiful baby only likes to sleep at home. I have over scheduled us to an insane degree which means she often has to tag along to work, or meetings or practices. This means she has days where she doesn't really sleep until bedtime. You generally wouldn't guess how tired she is and might even label her a "good baby."

She is a "good baby" because I am constantly giving her a bottle, holding her in whatever her current favorite arm numbing position is, bouncing her nonstop and can often be found speaking baby talk or babbling to her in the most awkward of places. I'm also not above using my husbands iPhone like a ridiculously expensive mirror so she can see her reflection and babble at herself.

I'm in survival mode.

I'm sure you've already judged me for over scheduling so let me justify myself. I am usually against signing my kids up for multiple opportunities. In fact, I generally only sign them up for something if they ask. I don't suggest activities or push things on them. It just so happened that everything they were interested in was at the exact same time of year. So, we find ourselves involved with yoga, choir, garden gnomes, broadcast, sign language classes, basketball, tennis and cross country. I'm sure I should have said no to a few of these but my sons are getting a lot out of their activities.

Moe wants to be a yoga instructor when he grows up so to him yoga class is essential :) he recently performed his yoga moves at a talent show so I can attest that he's pretty serious about it. Plus, if you've ever heard a 6 year old explain why shivasinha (sp?) is the hardest yoga pose or show you their full turtle you wouldn't be able to deny them when they asked to sign up for yoga either (p.s. he also has a speech impediment that makes everything he says extra cute)

It's the 6 year old again when it comes to choir class, I think he may be secretly in love with his Aunty who teaches the class. Larry signed up to be a choir helper, and considering the fact that he got himself removed from choir last year due to unacceptable behaviors, we were not going to say no when he tried to take a leadership role and show responsibility. Their choir class has lead to all of us practicing the songs together at home which has created a favorite song for beautiful baby and some hilarious family sing along moments that never would exist without choir. (P.s. one of the songs is about hippopotamus and have you heard a 6 yr old say that word? You can't deny that cuteness)

Garden gnomes is currently a Curly activity. He voluntarily pulls weeds, harvests fruits and vegetables, spreads fertilizer that makes him stink horribly and other tasks that I can't pay him a hundred dollars to do at home. So um yeah, not gonna say no to that one either. Gotta keep hoping it will mean he'll manage our garden at home because my black thumb just isn't getting the job done.

Broadcast is enjoyed by both of the twins. One is on the production side of things and the other is an announcer. They both think its the coolest club to be in at school and would probably disown me if I didn't say they could do it. Kids doing their own tv show is pretty much as awesome as it sounds, if not more awesome. Feel free to be impressed.

Sign language class brings us back to Moe. He has a goal of being able to do the sign of the day on broadcast in a few years (currently only deaf students are allowed to do this) and he attends the elementary school on our island where all of the deaf kids attend. He is quite good at sign language and one of only a few non-deaf kids that attends. It's cool that he is learning another language and I hear that he's very adorable in class (his Aunty takes him, I've never seen what he does at these classes. I just hear the stories afterwards.) he loves the Deaf Education teachers and from what I can tell they are fond of him too so this is another activity I couldn't say no to.

Basketball. My husband has been trying to get me to sign our kids up for this for awhile now. I always have an excuse, I mean reason, why we can't but I finally ran out of reasons so I signed all 3 up. This has given us a lot of entertaining family time as we finally started using our basketball hoop and playing together. The 9 yr olds are focused and driven and practice on Their own a lot. This is a sure sign of a good fit between a sport and your child. Moe is learning some hard lessons as this is his first time playing a sport and he is, well, not a natural. Its a pretty short season and I think if they decide to continue they'll have to drop another sport, but for now I applaud our basketball decision for giving us a lot more focused active family time. Also, have you seen 6 year olds play basketball. Adorable. Hilarious. 

Tennis is something we went back and forth on for quite a while. It's a year round sport and the twins enjoyed it a lot last year. It just started this week and so far they are most excited that some of their friends from school signed up, including Larry's best friend. We'll see how it goes. Babies and tennis are not a very good mix so I find myself very detached from it this year. I do love that this keeps my boys up, out and active 2 days a week. If we weren't in tennis I can almost guarantee I would be letting them play on electronics at home so this is probably the better choice.

Finally, cross country. This activity is only 5 weeks long and they get to compete against hundreds of kids from all over the island every weekend. It's cheap and non committal which are my favorite words when it comes to kids sports and all 3 boys are signed up. My favorite part is that it has me up and active again since I can stick baby in the stroller and run with them. My second favorite part is moe, who has never done sports before and Is not known for his drive and ambition turning in to a little superstar. He has clocked 1/2 mile distances around our neighborhood so he can practice and he is really pushing himself to do better and not give up. It's inspiring to watch all the kids and my boys are all being encouraged to set and beat personal goals. Glad they are getting the opportunity to see running as a fun thing. I hope it means they'll grow up less fat than me.

And that's it. I'm sure you're exhausted just reading this. Reading through I can now see that I am WAY to influenced by the cute factor of sports and by Moes speech impediment. I'll have to remember that next time it's time to sign up for something.

For now, I'm embracing our overscheduledness and seeing all the amazing advantages even as I look forward to when they're done and we go back to being just a little bit too lazy. Is interesting to see how things work from this point of view. Now if I can just figure out how to stop negating all the good exercise we're getting with donuts and trips to McDonald's we will have totally conquered this whole sporty over involved family thing.

Beautiful baby will probably be burned out before she's even old enough to get started but I'm sure she'll find something to do and ask in the cutest way possible so I'm bound to say yes and get involved.

Live with kids is grand!

Join your PTSA. A PSA from me to you.

I am sitting at home with Curly and I get an email from his school. It discussed Open House and it discussed that our awesome PTSA purchased a program so we can do online ordering and payments for events like Open House.

This little note got me excited!! That awesomeness was me :) well, sort of. They discussed the problems collecting payments (and I often experienced the ridiculousness firsthand while working) ever since I first joined. I finally got off my rear and researched and found us a solution and talked it up at meetings until I got enough support to make it happen. As a result, I cheered out loud when I read the email (I obviously need to get a life right?) and Curly asked why. I read him the email and we began to discuss what PTSA does for his school.

He's interested in signing up to be the student rep for PTSA this year. He's interested because I drag him to all these meetings as part of my job (although I like to think I'd go even if I was just a parent, I live in a dreamworld obviously)  and he'd rather participate than do homework or play on the computer during every meeting.

PTSA is a difficult thing. We all have a hundred other things on our plates and this feels like one more thing we don't have time for. It's an activity that often doesn't have immediate gratification and often requires ridiculous amounts of talking and not a lot of doing. It can be profoundly frustrating to say the least.

But working in a school I can see the very real need that PTSA fills. Often schools are burdened with government rules and regulations and no matter how much they want to help they must follow protocols etc... Parent Teacher Associations fill the gap. Need supplies? They don't have to requisition, they can just go to the store and get them. Want a new program? They have insurance to cover liability and can organize volunteers. Need money? They are a non-profit organization and all set up to be a powerful fundraising machine. Whatever holes you find in the education system you can work through your PTSA to find solutions. It's one of the best places to have your voice and concerns heard and a chance to make a powerful difference in a whole lot of little lives.

I get to listen to parent complaints as part of my job (lucky me!) and I find it sad how many parents love to complain and how few show up to things like PTSA to find solutions. Hate homework time? What if we could organize tutors? Frustrated with school communications? How about a training for teachers on how to share so parents will listen. Find recess time ridiculous? Propose new equipment, volunteer monitors or other options to make it fun again.

In the past few years our PTSA has funded numerous teacher workshops that I assume make our teachers better (they're pretty awesome to start with). We are an arts integrated school which means we need all sorts of extra funding to get the arts to our students and faculty and our PTSA has been able to provide the funding for a large chunk of that every single year. My sister started a choir at the school and it quickly exploded with awesomeness and was more than she could handle on a solely volunteer basis. PTSA stepped up and provided funding and all our students now have the chance to sing their little hearts out. A couple parents came this year and said we should have a cross country team. PTSA happily jumped on board and supported them. 

What I can't stand is that our PTSA is a group of approx. 10 parents that meet once a month and another 20 or so that come out to help with special events. We have over 500 families at our school and 30 people are all that can find the time to participate? That sucks. The same lady has run our main fundraiser since our school opened. She could really use a break but no one has stepped up. We may not participate in an awesome nationwide art contest this year because no one wants to coordinate. We get a lot of people who say they'll help but not a lot willing to lead. Why do we get so scared of leadership? A good leader delegates and doesn't have to do more work than anyone else, they just have to be willing to file the report or coordinate the meeting. To all of you who volunteer, THANK YOU!

As my son and I discuss what PTSA can do at his school this year he's pretty impressed with what we've accomplished already. I say we can do a lot more. If your child attends school find out about their PTSA or booster club or whatever and become a member, that's step one. Take one more step towards being awesome and attend a meeting or sign up to help. Become officially awesome and take the lead, start something new or find a solution to a common complaint. Most importantly, SPEAK UP regardless of if you have time to attend or volunteer, find the time to share your concerns and your gratification with those working to meet the needs in your community. They need feedback, positive or negative, in order to continue to know and meet those needs. Be the change you want to see in the world! I'm glad my son can see me doing this and hope he surpasses me in his efforts if he gets elected this year.

And now I'll get off my soapbox.